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7 Things You Should Stop Expecting From Other People

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Written By Drew Canole

 

“When you release expectations you are free to enjoy things for what they are instead of what you think they should be.” – Mandy Hale

A lot of the disappointments we face in life come because of what we expect from other people. We develop these expectations from how we were raised, cultural beliefs of how people should behave, our desires, our confidence in ourself (and whether or not we expect approval from others), what we see in the media, etc.

When we recognize that our expectations may not be in alignment and probably won’t be met, we can forgo a lot of frustration and suffering. We will have more time and energy to focus on the stuff that really matters.

Letting go of expectations can be difficult. But usually once you recognize what you’re doing and see an expectation for what it is, it becomes easier to release. Try letting go of these following expectations to get started.

It’s time to stop…

#1 Expecting Other People To Agree With You

A lot of us do this subconsciously. When someone disagrees with us on something we believe, it can shock us a little and make us not want to be as open and honest anymore.

You have something to say. What you have to say matters. People don’t need to agree with you. If everyone agreed with what other people said, we would have a halt of new ideas, inspirations, beliefs and innovations.

There has been sometimes where I’ve remembered something someone said to me that I didn’t agree with for years. Then, through raw experience, I would suddenly realize that they were right all that time ago. We are all on a unique journey here on Earth and timing varies greatly from person to person.

Dare to be true to yourself and what you feel and believe. When someone disagrees with you, don’t be discouraged. Realize that we are all unique and that is what makes us beautiful. Someone not agreeing with you doesn’t mean what you had to say was incorrect and, even if it was, you will see it when the timing is right.

Live life the way YOU want to.

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#2 Expecting Respect From Other People When You Don’t Respect Yourself  

When someone is insecure about who they are they often try to seek approval from other people to make up for it. This is unhealthy for you and won’t bring you any lasting satisfaction or inner strength.

True inner strength will come when you learn to stand tall in your own shoes and hold yourself in high respect. As a child of the Universe, this is something you’ve deserved since the day you were born. None of this “I’m not good enough” nonsense. God doesn’t create mistakes. You were precious and priceless the moment you came into being and that will never change.

Every morning and night look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I love and accept myself completely.”

When you are kind to yourself, you become a better friend, family member and person in general. Your love and respect towards other people will become more genuine because you’ve learned to respect yourself and that reflects in everything you do.

#3 Expecting Other People To Like (Or Approve) Of You

No matter who you are or how awesome you are or how much you try to be a good person, SOMEONE is going to criticize, belittle or hurt you. Most likely you will do this to other people as well (intentionally or not).

Do not forget your own value when this happens. Someone else’s opinion of you DOES NOT affect who you are as a child of the universe! Your worth is not affected because someone thinks ill of you.

It can be SO HARD to stay positive after someone has stomped on you and thrown you out the door. Learn to smile, hold your chin high and MOVE ON.

The ability to let go of the need of approval will bring you more freedom and inner peace than you can possibly imagine.

One of the hardest battles you will fight your entire life will be the battle to be true to yourself. Some people will be uncomfortable and negative because you are different. Most likely they are only suffering from insecurities and are battering down other people to try and make themselves feel better. Recognize this and hold on to your power!

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#4 Expecting People To Be Who You Expect Them To Be

Let’s flip to the other side of the table now.

In staying true to yourself, you desire other people to give you the love and respect to do just that. One of the most powerful things you can do for someone else is to give them this in return.

Allow others to be themselves. Sometimes we blind ourselves to who someone really is because we are constantly looking for them to live up to our own expectations of who we think they are. Take off the glasses, release these expectations, and learn to appreciate someone for who they are as a unique, organic and raw individual.

We do not know people as well as we think we do. Our eyes are always clouded by the mirror of our own experiences and understanding. Learn to let go and let people simply be and you will be more likely to receive this in return.

#5 Expecting People To Read Your Mind

There are not a lot of people out there who can read minds. In almost every instance, people will not know how you feel unless you SAY SOMETHING. This is true even of our closest friends and family members!

Learning to communicate more honestly and openly will bring you more fulfillment and happiness in relationships. There have been so many times where I’ve sat frustrated and unsettled for hours because of a need not being met by someone and then I finally decided to say something… and BOOM! They understood what I needed and helped me out and everyone felt better!

If you are unsatisfied at work, wanting a promotion, wanting to do things better but not sure how, TALK ABOUT IT.

If there is someone you really care about but they don’t know it, TELL THEM.

If you are hurting because of something someone said to you, LET THEM KNOW. Maybe they didn’t have a clue how something affects you and they will be more sensitive in the future.

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#6 Expecting People To Change

You can’t easily change the people around you, no matter what role you play in their life. Never enter a relationship (of any kind) with the expectation that things will work out because you’re convinced that the other person will eventually change that thing about them you can’t stand. In almost every case, us wanting someone to change only makes them more resistant towards change.

And if they are only changing to make YOU happy, will it really last? Most likely not.

If there are instances where a change needs to happen, lay all the cards on the table and be honest and open. This will ensure the person knows how you feel and give them an understanding as to what they need to do.

Accept people for who they are RIGHT NOW or learn to live without them. Often your acceptance, love and support are the things that will help them grow and develop the most.

#7 Expecting People To Be OK

Everyone is fighting a hard battle. Learn To Be Kind.

Behind every happy face is a person with inner struggles and suffering that are complex and extraordinary.

Yet we live in a world that expects us to be “happy”. People are pressured to put on a good face for the world and even to their close friends. It is rare to find people who are honest about what is really going on and what they really need.

Let’s create a culture where we can look into someone else’s eyes and say, “I am lost. Today is a struggle. I don’t know what I’m doing.” And they will smile and say, “Me too.” And we will be able to support and love each other in a way that wasn’t allowed before.

Make an effort to be kind.

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You are in charge of your own happiness. No one else can give it to you or take it away unless you give that power to them. Life is full of experiences that help us learn and grow. Some of them are painful but in the end they are there to bring us closer to who we are meant to be.

Become aware of the expectations you hold for other people AND for yourself. Releasing expectation and attachment and learning to “just be” and appreciate life for what it is can bring you a deeper sense of calm.

 

If you loved reading this, as much as I loved writing it… feel free to share the love on Facebook or twitter. :)

 


OAZVJgBAbout the Author

Drew Canole is a Nutrition Specialist, Transformation Specialist and national spokesperson for the benefits of juicing vegetables for health and vitality. He is the founder of Fitlife.TV where he shares “Educational, Inspirational and Entertaining” videos and articles about health, fitness, healing and longevity. Drew Canole’s transformation movement has grown to over 630,000 people, including Celebrities, CEOs, Entrepreneurs, and Development Gurus. He believes first and foremost that a person’s health comes from within and through his Whydentity process, Drew is able to create healthy and lasting change, both physically and mentally.


 

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

 

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The 20 Best Motivational Quotes

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Written By Susan Albers Psy.D
From Psychology Today

Fall Down Seven Times, Get Up Eight

                                                -Buddhist Quote

This Buddhist quote is one of my favorite motivational sayings.

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A friend gave me a card (pictured) many years ago when I first started writing books.  The very first publisher I submitted my manuscript to responded with a two page letter explaining why I should never be a writer.  Ever.  It was pretty upsetting.  I wanted to quit that moment and never submit another manuscript again.  I sat discouraged at my desk and spied this quote which I had hung up on my shelf.  I remember deciding in that moment to “get back up” and try it again.  Let’s fast forward 15 years.  I’ve now published seven books (and one is a New York Times Bestseller).  It was the best lesson I ever learned.  When you fall down, it’s so important to get back up and keep going forward.  I’ve fallen down many more times—and I am sure you have too.

Fall Down Seven Times, Get Up Eight is also a motivational  quote I tell many of my clients, particularly when they are making efforts to change their eating and they slide back into old habits.  It’s okay.  It’s a good time to remember to get back up again and again until you get the hang of it.  Keep trying.  Things time take and most importantly use your missteps as teaching moments.  For example, let’s say you skip breakfast and then grab the nearest thing in the lunch room (often donuts!) when you get to work.  Rather than berating yourself and say, “I give up! I never do this right,” use it as a teaching moment to remember that skipping breakfast is the fast track to overeating. 

The take home message I want to share with you today is that quotes work because they help shape your thoughts.  Thoughts shape your actions. You control the direction of your thoughts. Find a quote that points you in the direction you want to go.

Here is a free DOWNLOAD with 20 more Motivational Quotes to help you get started eating more mindfully today and “get back up!”  Find a quote that helps to keep you moving forward, feel uplifted and truly motivated!  Click Here: https://mindfuleatingsummit.com/mindful-eating-motivation-optin/

 

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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10 Signs You Need to Stop Trying So Hard

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Always do your best to get everything right? Maybe that’s your problem.

 

Written By Minda Zetlin
From INC.com

Read this site often? You’re probably an overachiever, just like me and thousands of other entrepreneurs out there. That’s not a bad thing. Striving to do better work, accomplish more, get healthier, and be a better person is what makes you and your business successful.

But trying too hard all the time, especially if you’re doing it in many areas of your life at once, can lead to a very big crash. That’s what happened to Todd Patkin who joined his family auto parts business at 22, just out of college, and got used to working 80-hour weeks as the company struggled to survive. By his mid-30s, the company was a success but the long work hours had become a habit.

Other parts of his life suffered. During a motivational talk, he jumped off a table, something he had done many times before. This time, however, his feet hit a concrete floor that broke several bones and prevented him from going to the gym, a mood elevator for him. Then he and his wife lost a pregnancy. “That really affected me,” he says. “I fell deeper and deeper into the hole.”

In the grip of depression, he found himself unable to function. He and his father would drive to work each day, and Patkin would go in his office and close the door. “People may have thought I was working,” he says. Instead, he often had his head down on the desk. The moment of truth arrived when he and his father were out to lunch and a waitress offered the choice of potato salad or coleslaw. It seemed an impossible decision. “For all intents and purposes, my brain had short-circuited,” he recalls.

That experience was horribly painful, but also lucky, Patkin says now, because it forced him to reevaluate what he had been doing. With the help of medication to help lift the blackness, he set about figuring out what truly made him happy, a journey he chronicles in his book Finding HappinessCutting back on efforts and activities and looking at what was truly satisfying was the necessary first step, he says.

You may want to do the same if any of the following sounds familiar:

1. Your relationships are dragging you down.

“Give up on the relationships that aren’t working for you,” Patkin advises. “Maybe they worked for you before, back when you were in college. But now it’s 20 years later.” Ask yourself whether you enjoy being with this person, or whether the prospect of time together fills you with anxiety.

Keep in mind that the company you keep is likely to affect your whole outlook, Patkin adds. “Motivational scientists have learned that your outlook in terms of negative feelings or happiness will be the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

2. You’re always the one to step up.

If an annoying task needs doing and no one else wants to, do you always find yourself raising your hand? Cut back, at least some of the time, Patkin advises. “There should be times when you say, ‘I’ve done this five times in a row and I don’t understand why you can’t do it,'” he says. “You have to be honest.”

3. You keep working ridiculous hours.

It’s one thing to burn the midnight oil for a week or two in order to finish a major project or close an important deal. But if overly long workdays have become your norm, you must make a change.

“Work is a marathon, not a sprint–you’re going to be doing it for the rest of your life,” Patkin says. “If you’re always working 70 hours a week, what’s that doing to your health and relationships?” He acknowledges that taking time off was easier for him in his company, with family members available to cover for each other. Without that back up, it can be difficult to delegate. But it isn’t optional.

“You have to find someone and put your trust in that person to be a good No. 2, so that you can take a vacation or time off for a life event,” Patkin says. If you don’t, your business could fall into a rut. “Most people get imaginative and creative when they’re not going a zillion miles an hour.”

4. Your best is never good enough.

Perfectionism is a serious danger, Patkin warns. “I’ve had an employee say to me that he was a bad dad because he missed his son’s basketball game. I asked him how many he had been to. Turned out he’d been to 10 of the 12 games that season. I told him he was doing a lot better than most of the fathers out there.”

Although it’s human nature, it’s a very bad idea to do most things right and hyper-focus on the few you get wrong, he adds. “You have to start complimenting yourself, and feeling good for all the things you do.”

5. You’re always comparing yourself to others.

It could be someone else in your office who appears to have the perfect family, or a competing company that appears to have the perfect product. Either way, Patkin says, spending too much time worrying about what others are doing will hold you back. “It’s important for someone running a business to say to yourself, ‘If I do my own work right, I’ll be better off in the long run.'”

Besides, you never know what’s real and what’s perception. “I went to a conference once and there was a guy with a new auto parts business and no one could believe how fast he was growing,” Patkin recalls. “Two years later, he had fled the country because he was being indicted. There’s a lot of misinformation out there.”

6. You’re constantly trying to please your partner or spouse.

If you always do everything your partner wants, if you’re always the one to say “I love you,” and you don’t feel you get enough emotional support in return, then something’s out of balance and that needs to be addressed, Patkin says. He’s a believer in couples counseling, which he says can sometimes save a troubled relationship.

At the same time, he acknowledges, most entrepreneurs have the opposite problem. “In general, I think we need to focus more on our spouses,” he says. That might mean surprising him or her with flowers when it isn’t Valentine’s Day, or taking a few hours off work just to be together. Paying attention to these things will help preserve your partnership for when work crunch times can’t be avoided. “It’s like making deposits in a bank account,” he says.

7. You always put others’ needs ahead of your own.

If that describes you, watch out, Patkin warns. “There are a lot of people in our lives who depend on us and want our help, our time, and our advice,” he says. “If you care for these people, you’ll want to be accommodating.”

That’s OK, but only up to a point–sometimes you have to put your own needs first in order to be happy. “Figure out what’s important to you, and what fulfills you, and prioritize those things at least some of the time,” Patkin advises.

8. You’re obsessed with your kids’ success.

This is a tricky one, because a certain amount of concern just means you’re a caring parent. It turns into a problem when you start living vicariously through your child’s accomplishments and failures. At one time, Patkin recalls, his son was a star on his school’s basketball team. “If he scored 20 points in a game, I felt like a hero. If he scored 2 points, I felt really bad.”

Not only was this a drain on Patkin’s emotional well-being, it wasn’t so great for his son, either. “It can really mess your kids up if they feel like your love is conditional on their ability to score 20 points.”

Speaking of kids, Patkin says to forget the whole concept of “quality time.” That might work when they’re small, but if you come home from work with just an hour of time you’re planning to devote to your older children, they’re likely to roll their eyes and go back to texting their friends. But he found with his son that if he simply hung around making himself available, eventually his son would start interacting with him. “It was on his own time,” he says. “If you have teenagers, you have to be home more often, even if you’re just working at the kitchen table.”

9. You’ve signed up for an expensive gym membership that you never use.

If you’ve spent the last several years as a couch potato, don’t expect yourself to suddenly start working out three times a week. In fact, the gym industry depends on this dynamic–if every paying member of every gym showed up on a regular basis, most of them would be severely overcrowded.

So, Patkin advises, cancel that gym membership. Start with a walk around the block instead, and once you’re in that habit, maybe extend it to two blocks. “Just do whatever you’re able to stick with,” he says.

10. You have a large number of goals.

There’s nothing wrong with goals, but some people overdo it, Patkin says. “They have to have 10 percent body fat, and this much money in the bank, and every Saturday they have to do this activity.”

If this describes you, he says, it’s time to do some pruning. “You should have maybe two business goals, one or two health goals, one or two relationship goals, and perhaps one or two goals related to spirituality, which might be as simple as taking a walk in the woods.”

The main message is this: If you want to be happy, create some balance in every part of your life. After all, you’re in it for the long haul.

 

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Check out my best selling Amazon book: WHY-DENTITY:17 Practices to Help You Transform Your Mind and Live Your Life’s Purpose – GET IT HERE

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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10 Stupid Phrases the Worst Bosses Love to Use

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These platitudes have been used, misused, and abused–especially by terrible bosses.

 

Written By Jeff Haden
From INC.com

We all overuse certain words and phrases. (Myself definitely included: I’m guilty of ending sentences with “…so…” when I’m not sure what else to say.) That’s natural.

But if you’re a boss hoping to communicate effectively–or be taken seriously–that’s also a real problem. Platitudes aren’t just annoying. Resorting to platitudes shows you don’t want to listen, don’t want to take action…in short, don’t want to buckle down and do your job.

Like:

1. “It just wasn’t meant to be.”

Whatever happened, fate had nothing to do with it. Something went wrong. Figure out what went wrong and learn from it.

Plus, “It just wasn’t meant to be” places responsibility elsewhere, and when it’s someone else’s fault, it never gets fixed.

On the other hand, “Let’s figure out what we can do differently next time…” is empowering–and it places the responsibility where it should be: on you.

2. “That’s probably not what you want to hear.”

No doubt it sucks to hear bad news. But when you say something isn’t what I want to hear, you shift the issue over to my side of the table. Somehow the issue has become my problem.

Don’t shift. Explain why you made a decision. Explain the logic. Explain your reasoning.

I still may not want to hear it, but that way the focus remains on the issue and not on me.

3. “Work smarter, not harder.”

What happens when you say that to me? One, you imply I’m stupid. Two, you imply that whatever I am doing should take a lot less time and effort than it does. And three, after you say it, I kinda hate you.

If you know I could be more efficient, tell me how. If you know there’s a better way, show me how. If you think there’s a better way but don’t know what it is, say so. Admit you don’t have the answer. Then ask me to help you figure it out.

And most importantly, recognize that sometimes the only thing to do is to work harder…and when that’s the case, get off your butt and help me.

4. “There is no I in team.”

Sure there is. There are as many I’s as team members. Those individuals, the more “individual” the better, serve to make the team stronger. The best teams are often a funky blend of the members’ individual talents, perspectives, and goals.

If you want a team to work hard and achieve more, make sure each person feels she can not only achieve the team’s goal but also one of her own goals.

Spend time figuring out how each individual on the team can do both, instead of taking the lazy way out by simply repressing individuality in the pursuit of the collective.

5. “Perception is reality.”

Yeah, yeah, I know: How I perceive something is my version of reality, no matter how off my perception might be.

But if other people perceive a reality differently than you, work to change that perception. Make your reality everyone’s reality.

Besides, perceptions are fleeting and constantly changing. Reality lasts forever, or at least until a new reality comes along to replace it.

6. “I’m always open to feedback.”

You see and hear a similar line everywhere: websites, signs, meetings.

If you truly want feedback or input, don’t be passive. Don’t just make it easy for people to provide. Go get it. Be active.

People who really want feedback don’t wait to receive it. They take responsibility for getting the information they need.

7. “We’ll do it now and apologize later.”

Say that and you’re not a bold risk taker; you’re lazy and self-indulgent. Good ideas are rarely stifled. People naturally like “better.” People who don’t like your idea usually aren’t the problem. The problem is almost always you.

So don’t take the easy way out. Describe what you want to do. Prove it makes sense. Get people behind you.

Then, whatever you do has a much better chance of succeeding.

8. “Failure is not an option.”

This one is often used by the leader who gets frustrated and wants to shut down questions about a debatable decision or a seemingly impossible goal: “Listen, folks, failure is simply not an option,” he says, striking the table with his fist.

Failure is always a possibility. Just because you say it isn’t doesn’t make it so.

Don’t reach for a platitude to end debate. Justify your decision. Answer the hard questions.

If you can’t, maybe your decision isn’t so wise after all.

9. “Let’s not reinvent the wheel.”

Because hey, some other wheel might turn out to be a better wheel, and that means my wheel isn’t so great.

And we can’t have that.

10. “It is what it is.”

No it isn’t. “It is what it is” really means, “I’m too lazy to try to make it different, so for gosh sakes stop talking about it.”

“It is what it is” is only true if you take the easy way out by letting “it” remain “it.”

Don’t like a situation? Work to fix it.

That’s what leaders do.

 

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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7 Ways Great Leaders Think Differently From Everyone Else

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 People who are highly successful think differently from everyone else. The good news? Their thinking habits can be easily learned.

 

By Lolly Daskal
From INC.com

Good thinkers are always in demand and are sought out for their abilities–because anything great begins with a thought, and anything worthwhile comes from a great thinker.

Great thinkers are successful leaders. They know how to solve problems, they know how to unleash possibilities, and they know how to achieve the impossible.

People who go to the top think differently than others, and they achieve more than most.

But the good news is that successful thinking is something you can learn. Here are seven thought habits to get you started on the road to becoming a better thinker:

1. Cultivate strategic thinking. Strategic thinkers can simplify the difficult, prepare for uncertainties, and reduce the margin of errors–all because they have a plan. Strategic thinking makes you a great planner, which is how you move easily from where you are today to where you want to be tomorrow.

2. Engage in inquisitive thinking. Successful leaders spend their time questioning everything they know and everything they don’t know. When you question, you gain knowledge, and when you gain knowledge, you have impact. To be impactful, you to have to question what everyone else is taking for granted. And that alone can give you a leg up on innovation and creativity.

3. Explore big-picture thinking. Big-picture thinkers are always ready to see things that other people cannot see; they are able to size up a situation and take all the variables into account. Once you can connect dots like no one else, you’ll always be prepared to seize an opportunity when the time is right.

4. Harness focused thinking. Focused thinking shuts out interruptions and interference, allowing you to concentrate with clarity. When you can focus your thinking, you are able to bring clarity to challenges, targets, and results.

5. Utilize risk-oriented thinking. Highly successful leaders think big and dream bigger than most. When you learn how to push the envelope and dare to go where no one else has even looked yet, you’ll be admired as a risk taker, someone who dares to gamble–and because you dare more, you’ll have more.

6. Rely on shared thinking. Collaborative thinkers like to hear what other people are thinking so they can expand their own ideas. As much as we like to think we know it all, the best kind of thinking–the kind that brings the greatest return–is not done solo but is shared.

7. Practice reflective thinking. Take the time to reflect before you act, listen before you speak, understand before you respond, and engage your compassion before you react. When you take the time to reflect, it gives perspective. It allows you the bandwidth to see what is truly going on without being emotionally charged. Reflective thinking enables you to distance yourself, so you can see things with a new pair of eyes.

The best leaders are usually the best thinkers. Start today to learn their habits and cultivate their success.

Thinking Small Is Just as Hard as Thinking Big

Morgen Newman, co-founder of MixedMade, explains why businesses can’t last without marketing and press.

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Check out my best selling Amazon book: WHY-DENTITY:17 Practices to Help You Transform Your Mind and Live Your Life’s Purpose – GET IT HERE

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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How to Find Real, Lasting Love Without Looking for It

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Written By Astra Niedra
From Tiny Buddha

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” ~Carl Jung

Often when people want a new relationship, they either look for someone to complete them or they imagine sharing their life with someone just like them. So they try to present themselves in the best possible light for their imagined future partner—either as one perfect half of a whole or as an ideal version of what they believe their future partner will want.

In my experience, finding your soul mate requires a different, far more soul-enriching approach. Here are six steps that worked for me:

1. Stop looking for your soul mate and find the missing parts of you.

This may sound counterintuitive, but it’s exactly how I met my husband. I stopped looking for “the one” after a two-year relationship ended, which I had believed was the one. I decided to turn my attention inward—to get to know and accept myself, to heal past wounds, and to explore and develop new parts of myself.

Previously, I needed to be with someone in order to feel content, to have someone love me in order to feel loved. Breaking up with past boyfriends was so painful because it felt as if I was breaking up, as if I was being torn from a part of myself.

What I discovered was that I had to learn to be whole. And when I started to work on that, my life changed.

2. Live your life as you want to live it.

When I started to discover more about myself and to follow my own path, I started to live a life that was meaningful to me. I was no longer following someone else’s rules and ideas about what I should do.

This can disappoint some people close to you, such as your family. But if you want to find fulfillment in your life, you have to fulfill yourself, not someone else!

And doing what is right for you means you will be in places, jobs, and near people that are aligned with your life path, and with you. So you will have a much better chance of meeting your soul mate, because your soul mate will also be connected to your life path.

3. Stop trying to appeal to an imagined, potential partner.

A side effect of leading the life you choose is that you automatically become more attractive. You become more real, authentic, substantial, valuable, passionate, happy, and present. This makes you more beautiful in a natural and effortless way, and it will also make you attractive to your soul mate.

Whereas when you try to make yourself attractive in order to find someone, you alter the way you behave and present yourself so that if your soul mate were to show up, he or she might not even recognize you.

So just be yourself, whether that means you dress in corporate attire or resort wear, or casual clothing or more formal, or if your preference changes at different times.

You don’t need to be a particular weight or have large biceps or wear uncomfortable shoes if you don’t like them. Go to the gym only if you love it, do yoga if you love it, walk or surf or cycle if you enjoy those activities.

A partner who you will be with over the long term will not make a decision about your worth based on a superficial aspect of your appearance. So tap into what feels right for you, do the activities you enjoy, wear the clothes that suit you and in which you feel comfortable.

You will be far more attractive to your soul mate if you look like yourself when you meet them.

4. If you are attracted to particular qualities in someone else, find or develop those qualities in yourself.

Most of us express only a small part of who we are. We limit ourselves to the personality—or self—we have become in response to our childhood environment. This is an unavoidable stage in our developmental process because we have to form a self—or ego—that enables us to survive and hopefully thrive in our family and social setting.

And the way we do that is by developing characteristics that meet our survival needs and pushing away any characteristics that aren’t valued or needed.

So we all have hidden or disowned parts of ourselves that at some point we need to unearth.

When we haven’t yet unearthed and embraced our disowned parts, we are drawn into relationships with others who express those parts. It is like we are unconsciously trying to complete ourselves through our relationships.

These relationships usually involve intense attraction at first and are characterized by feelings of completeness. But inevitably, they become stifled by strong relationship patterns that form where people get stuck relating to one another from one main part of themselves that bonds with its opposite in the other person. These are called bonding patterns.”

So, for example, a very responsible man might become a “responsible father” in relation to his partner’s inner “pleasing daughter,” and a nurturing woman might become a “nurturing mother” to her partner’s inner “needy son.”

If the woman doesn’t become conscious of her own responsibility, she will rely on her partner to be responsible. And if the man doesn’t connect with his nurturing side, he will want to be nurtured by her. But then when stresses and vulnerabilities arise in the relationship, these bonding patterns turn negative, and the partners turn on each other.

I am so grateful to have learned about bonding patterns because the awareness of them not only helps enormously in my relationship, but they also act as a guide for which parts of myself I have lost connection to.

Because bonding patterns are the natural way that we give and receive love, they are unavoidable. And no matter how conscious we become, there is always something that’s unconscious! But bonding patterns can be navigated successfully.

When you become aware that you are attracted to other people because of what you have disowned in yourself, and then work on owning those qualities in yourself, your relationships transform. I

If you are in a relationship already and you begin this process, then as you and your partner reclaim your disowned selves, you start to become more fully yourselves with each other and your relationship will become richer.

5. Engage with life; accept the gifts that are offered to you.

The night I met my husband a friend had invited me to a party hosted by one of her friends, and at first I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go.

I was tempted to decline the invitation because I didn’t know the person whose party it was, and it was a Sunday night, so I had work the next day. But I didn’t have a compelling reason not to go and I had promised myself that I would accept the gifts life offered me, such as saying yes to invitations that seemed to come from nowhere. And this was one of those.

When I got to that party, there he was: my future husband, with whom I have had three children and twenty-five years of a wonderful life together.

Was I looking for someone when I went to that party?

No. And it was a surprise to meet him there. If I had been intentionally looking for a partner, I probably would not have even spoken to my husband that night.

When you look at each person you encounter as if you are screening them for a job with a life-long contract, it changes the organic flow of events and natural connection that forms with the people you encounter. It is also off-putting to be evaluated as a “catch” and it is likely to make people run from you!

The simplest way to stop assessing others as potential life partners is to just stop looking for a partner and connect with the people you meet with genuine interest. Then enjoy the type of relationship that naturally develops—or doesn’t—whether that’s a friendship, a business connection, or a bond based on a mutual interest.

6. When you meet someone, don’t hurry things; allow the relationship to unfold.

When you meet someone you have a good connection with, allow that connection to develop and grow. If the person is a soul mate, he or she will also be into you, so if you both pay genuine attention to each other then something will develop.

There is no need to play games or to try particular seduction techniques or to achieve milestones by a particular time. A successful long-term relationship is not a game.

Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone you had to manipulate into it? Do you want your partner to be enchanted by an image you have created so that you have to hide yourself in some way? Or do you want your partner to love you wholeheartedly? What kind of relationship do you want to bring children into if you end up having them?

Each relationship is unique, just as each person is unique, so how your relationship unfolds will be unique too. You can’t plan for it to go a particular way. You have to engage with the process of it and with each other, and then make decisions as you go. There is no one line you can say, no one action you can take, that will lead to a particular result.

All you can do is live your life more fully, learn to accept and love yourself more fully, and you will love and be loved more fully.

 

Image Sources: Couple in Hawaii image via Shutterstock, Huffington Post

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say!

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Written By Banu Sekendur
From Wake Up World

Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say 1I used to be someone who didn’t keep most of her promises.

In the heat of the moment, possibly due to my excitement of the connection, I would tell the person that I would do something for them or with them, but wouldn’t follow through… most of the time. I would watch myself make promises that I knew I wasn’t willing to follow-up on, but I made them anyway! I felt like a train out of control, heading towards a major crash – I just could not stop!

The Wake-Up Call

I started feeling badly about myself as I doubted my own word. If I said, “I am going to start doing yoga again”, it felt empty inside. My words felt like lies as they dripped out of my mouth. Socially, I withdrew from people because I couldn’t face seeing them at a party or a networking event, knowing that I hadn’t delivered what I had said I would.

I hit my rock bottom when someone I liked and respected called me out on my failure to stand behind my word. By not delivering my promise, I had damaged the trust between us badly. In fact I knew that it was irreparable from the look on his face.

I needed that wake up call. The shrieking ring of this unexpected call pierced through the walls of my calcified ego pattern. Sometimes, when we’ve been stuck in a pattern for so long, a rock-bottom-type-of-experience needs to happen. One where we lose face, respect, connection, love or approval. It has to hit us on a survival level for it to open our eyes wide enough for us to see the train that is about to fly off the bridge – at full speed. I believe that is what I experienced.

My professional life as a false-promise-maker was officially over!

That night I went home and locked myself in the bedroom. I felt like crap. I thought, “If the words that comes out of my own mouth are not to be trusted, then what do I have to offer to the world?” It was the right question to ask and I was terrified of the answer. I had a good reason to be.

The Conscious Promise

It felt like a scene from a cartoon movie. All the promises I had failed to keep had turned into a snowball and had crushed me. I had gotten the message. – loud and clear – and after that experience I swore to not make promises that I can’t keep anymore.

Suddenly, I felt stronger!

This inner resolve made me feel like a good person again – one who had something to offer the planet besides her empty promises. This truth was coming deep from within my soul. It felt like gravity. Real. Unshakeable. I knew deep in my cells that the price of breaking this promise would be the costliest of all broken promises.

Now, I do my very best to keep my promises and don’t make promises I can’t keep.

It is not perfect, but the follow-up is always there. If I can’t keep it due to some unforeseen factors, then I inform the person so they don’t feel dropped and I don’t damage the trust between us. I apply this value to even my random Craigslist correspondences. People usually appreciate the follow-through and feel valued. Then I feel even better about who I am. This is a good cycle I plan to keep rolling in.

The Epiphany

I realized that it doesn’t take that much for us to feel better about who we are. We don’t really need to be perfect to feel good about ourselves. I’ve never been perfect, but I know what feeling good about who I am is like now. It feels like a million bucks! If my word is solid, I’ve got nothing to worry about.

Without changing anything else, if we make a vow to be true to our word, to keep our promises (including the ones we make to ourselves) and kept practicing that, we can start making big strides towards unshakable self-worth. When we trust ourselves, we can trust life, let alone other people.

The Unexpected Gift

I am experiencing an unexpected benefit from practicing my vow. People who have trust issues are able to eventually trust me (in their own time) by witnessing me say what I mean, mean what I say and follow through with my word. It indirectly teaches them what to look for in people – for them to develop trust – instead of just blankly distrusting everyone they encounter. It offers them consistency and predictability. They see that some people can be trusted. It becomes a healing practice and creates orgasmic ripple effects in my psyche.

The one question you can ask yourself to begin trusting your own words is, “In which ways do I compromise the integrity of my word?”

Believe me, I know that it is not an easy one to ask. It may even make you cringe. That’s a good sign, as it means that the awareness of ‘what doesn’t feel authentic’ has arrived, and that there are ripe fruits on that tree of awareness ready to be picked.

Only YOU can pick them. Those fruits may have a somewhat bitter coating but the juicy, sweet, luscious part is worth enduring the initial shudder.

I hope you are ready for some harvesting!

 

Image Source: Huffington Post

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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Being Too Nice Can Contribute to Depression

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Written By Elzbieta Pettingill
From Wake Up World

How Being Too Nice Can Contribute to DepressionThere is such a thing as being too nice, too giving and too caring. To overcome depression you must stop the habit of bending over to gain people’s approval. I know, it’s easier said than done. But no one said it’d be easy.

Those who are affected by depression tend to be people-pleasers. And yet, ironically, quite often their actions are viewed by others as selfish and self-centered. For over three decades I believed in that crap myself. I believed I was selfish and self-involved. I was convinced I had nothing to offer. I also thought that it didn’t matter what I thought. That my opinion was less important than anyone else’s. It seemed as if I was always living someone else’s life.

Finally, after two major brain seizures caused by a suicide attempt, I stopped living someone else’s life and looked deep within…

Someone Else’s Life

I was the child who was “too young to understand things” and therefore to make decisions. My life was run by the grown ups, who weren’t able to see the serious damage caused by the primitive belief such as; “children should be seen but not heard.” Then later, I became an young adult, clinging to any guy who’d find anything whatsoever appealing in me. At that time my looks seemed to have the only value in the eyes of others.

I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t who I am. I was a “slave” to anyone who was willing to have me in their life. The fear of rejection always steered my thoughts into the direction that led others to benefit from it more than I did.

How tiring was that!? How exhausting it is having to constantly put others before your own self! And how little reward you get at the end of it…

All this, so you can can keep deluding yourself that someone cares about you, at least enough to stick around. For a while, at least… ’til they get tired of it.

Then what do you do when the inevitable happens and when they leave? You blame yourself, of course. Consciously, or subconsciously, your already low self-esteem gets reinforced. It spirals downward in a lightening speed and you get even more depressed, thinking that there is no tomorrow for you…

Well, there is. And it’s a bright one, too!

You’ve heard the phrase: “You teach people how to treat you” but you’ve ignored it so far. Maybe because when you did try to stand up for yourself it always seemed to have back fired. You might even had finally snapped and told others to fuck off, which they deserved to hear, only to find yourself being labeled as too aggressive and not “lady-like.”

Well dear, who the f**k gives a damn? Who cares what others think and, or say? Let me just remind you – it shouldn’t be you. There is only one person in this entire world whose opinion should matter to you, and that is YOU and you ONLY.

There is only one person in this entire Universe that needs your pleasing, and that person is you.

There is only one person who needs your caring the most, and yes, you’ve guessed it –  it’s you again.

Being Too Nice Can Contribute to Depression - Alexander Pope quote (Difference Vice Virtue)

Just remember this: if you care too much – others will care too little… If you remain too available – others will always remain too busy for you. Without even being apologetic about it, people will always make you wait for them, making you feel as if your time is not nearly as valuable as theirs. You get the picture…

You will encounter resistance from those around you when you start making those long-overdue changes, but that’s OK. Have fun with it. See that sense of amusement on their faces and that sense of disbelief… Stare back at them without blinking.

Be prepared to deal with the consequences of having the courage to do what’s right for you. In your mind let go of the fear of not having that job in case your boss decides to fire you. Maybe it means it’s time to do something else for a living.

Be ready to let go of your significant other if s/he continues to refuse to treat you in a new, more loving and respectful way.

Make yourself OK with being alone for now. Make yourself comfortable with being with… YOU. Get to know yourself. Find out exactly what your needs and desires are and then become unstoppable in fulfilling them! Be selfish. You’ve been accused of it so many times before, now it’s time for you to show others (and yourself) how selfish you can really be! Show them that you mean business… :)

Renounce the guilt. Let go of it. Completely. It’s time to release it.

Be your number one. Be bold. Be spontaneous. Learn to be yourself in every situation and around everyone.

This is how you start to love yourself…

 

Image Source: Gordon Chalmers/Flickr

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Check out my best selling Amazon book: WHY-DENTITY:17 Practices to Help You Transform Your Mind and Live Your Life’s Purpose – GET IT HERE

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.