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3 Questions to Ask Yourself When You Feel Unsupported in Relationships

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Angry Couple

 

Written By Jennifer Twardowski
From Tiny Buddha

“A community of friends supporting each other can make a world of difference.” ~Unknown

Many of us feel we’re not getting the support we want or deserve in relationships.

Maybe we’ve never felt supported by our friends or family. Maybe we don’t feel supported by our peers or co-workers. Maybe we don’t even feel supported by our partner.

This can leave us feeling drained, tired, and unhappy, like we’re moving through life without much fuel to keep going.

During my adolescence and early adulthood, this was a huge struggle for me. I rarely found a place or group of friends where I felt like I “belonged” and, therefore, I didn’t feel supported. When I did feel supported by others, it only lasted for a few days or weeks before it dissipated.

Today, this has shifted. I feel much more supported in my current relationships and don’t feel nearly as drained as I once did.

There are still moments when I feel like I did growing up, but I’ve realized that opening up to support is a life-long journey. It’s an ongoing process of healing old wounds and allowing ourselves to become something new.

There are three questions that always help me realize what needs to be healed and how I need to shift my perception. If you don’t feel supported in your relationships, ask yourself:

1. Is my story preventing me from receiving support?

Do you tell yourself stories like “Nobody understands me,” “He can’t understand me because he hasn’t experienced what I’ve experienced,” or “I always have to take care of others and nobody can take care of me”?

Or, do you repeatedly tell yourself, “I am never supported in my relationships”?

Whatever your specific story is, it blocks you from receiving the support you desire.

Some other stories that prevent you from receiving support include: “If I tell others about my problems, it will cause them more stress,” “If I share this with others, they will judge me,” “I need to give to others in order to be loved,” and “If I want something from others, I won’t be loved.”

Formerly, I told myself the story “I will be a burden to others if I seek help and support.”

I’d think this at work when I needed extra help or a day off, so I’d feel hesitant to communicate this to coworkers. I’d also think this when going through tough times, which made me feel scared to open up to friends, so none of them would know what I was feeling.

When we acknowledge our stories, we are then able to shift our perception and open ourselves to receiving support from others.

2. Am I reaching out to others for support?

Often when we feel like we are not receiving what we desire from others it’s because we are not open to receiving. It’s as if we have a little shop set up for business, but we have all the doors locked!

Be sure to tell others when you are going through a difficult time. Ask people for help rather than to try to figure it all out on your own.

By letting people know that we are seeking support, we’re much more likely to receive it.

3. Am I supporting myself? 

What we experience outside of ourselves is often a reflection of whatever we are experiencing within ourselves. If we are not feeling supported by others, then it is likely true that we may not be supporting ourselves.

The key to shifting this is to find ways to feel full and supported within ourselves instead of focusing solely on what we want from others.

This was something I needed to do when dealing with various health issues. For a few years, I failed to address my health problems, which meant others couldn’t support me either.

I would not stay committed to diet and lifestyle changes that I knew would help me. This meant others didn’t have the opportunity to support me because my actions did not show that improving my health was important to me.

Ask yourself: Am I supporting my body when it’s sick or tired by letting it rest? Do I support myself by finding time to do the things that I love to do? Do I give myself the things I know I need—like going to doctor’s appointments when I’m sick or finding a therapist when I’m going through a difficult time?

Then take it a step further and ask yourself: Am I really “myself” when around others? Am I putting myself in relationships with people who truly accept me for who I am? Do I allow myself to share my authentic truth with others?

If we want to be fully supported in all aspects of ourselves, we need to choose to be in relationships where we feel free to be our authentic selves.

This might mean letting go of some relationships and releasing expectations that certain people will suddenly change and be supportive. By being in relationships with others who fully accept us, we are supporting ourselves.

In order to experience the highest degree of love and support in our relationships, we have to really love and support ourselves. So look within and become the master of your own self-care and self-love.

 

Image Sources: Angry couple silhouette via Shutterstock, Huffington Post

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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How to Find Real, Lasting Love Without Looking for It

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Couple in Hawaii

 

Written By Astra Niedra
From Tiny Buddha

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” ~Carl Jung

Often when people want a new relationship, they either look for someone to complete them or they imagine sharing their life with someone just like them. So they try to present themselves in the best possible light for their imagined future partner—either as one perfect half of a whole or as an ideal version of what they believe their future partner will want.

In my experience, finding your soul mate requires a different, far more soul-enriching approach. Here are six steps that worked for me:

1. Stop looking for your soul mate and find the missing parts of you.

This may sound counterintuitive, but it’s exactly how I met my husband. I stopped looking for “the one” after a two-year relationship ended, which I had believed was the one. I decided to turn my attention inward—to get to know and accept myself, to heal past wounds, and to explore and develop new parts of myself.

Previously, I needed to be with someone in order to feel content, to have someone love me in order to feel loved. Breaking up with past boyfriends was so painful because it felt as if I was breaking up, as if I was being torn from a part of myself.

What I discovered was that I had to learn to be whole. And when I started to work on that, my life changed.

2. Live your life as you want to live it.

When I started to discover more about myself and to follow my own path, I started to live a life that was meaningful to me. I was no longer following someone else’s rules and ideas about what I should do.

This can disappoint some people close to you, such as your family. But if you want to find fulfillment in your life, you have to fulfill yourself, not someone else!

And doing what is right for you means you will be in places, jobs, and near people that are aligned with your life path, and with you. So you will have a much better chance of meeting your soul mate, because your soul mate will also be connected to your life path.

3. Stop trying to appeal to an imagined, potential partner.

A side effect of leading the life you choose is that you automatically become more attractive. You become more real, authentic, substantial, valuable, passionate, happy, and present. This makes you more beautiful in a natural and effortless way, and it will also make you attractive to your soul mate.

Whereas when you try to make yourself attractive in order to find someone, you alter the way you behave and present yourself so that if your soul mate were to show up, he or she might not even recognize you.

So just be yourself, whether that means you dress in corporate attire or resort wear, or casual clothing or more formal, or if your preference changes at different times.

You don’t need to be a particular weight or have large biceps or wear uncomfortable shoes if you don’t like them. Go to the gym only if you love it, do yoga if you love it, walk or surf or cycle if you enjoy those activities.

A partner who you will be with over the long term will not make a decision about your worth based on a superficial aspect of your appearance. So tap into what feels right for you, do the activities you enjoy, wear the clothes that suit you and in which you feel comfortable.

You will be far more attractive to your soul mate if you look like yourself when you meet them.

4. If you are attracted to particular qualities in someone else, find or develop those qualities in yourself.

Most of us express only a small part of who we are. We limit ourselves to the personality—or self—we have become in response to our childhood environment. This is an unavoidable stage in our developmental process because we have to form a self—or ego—that enables us to survive and hopefully thrive in our family and social setting.

And the way we do that is by developing characteristics that meet our survival needs and pushing away any characteristics that aren’t valued or needed.

So we all have hidden or disowned parts of ourselves that at some point we need to unearth.

When we haven’t yet unearthed and embraced our disowned parts, we are drawn into relationships with others who express those parts. It is like we are unconsciously trying to complete ourselves through our relationships.

These relationships usually involve intense attraction at first and are characterized by feelings of completeness. But inevitably, they become stifled by strong relationship patterns that form where people get stuck relating to one another from one main part of themselves that bonds with its opposite in the other person. These are called bonding patterns.”

So, for example, a very responsible man might become a “responsible father” in relation to his partner’s inner “pleasing daughter,” and a nurturing woman might become a “nurturing mother” to her partner’s inner “needy son.”

If the woman doesn’t become conscious of her own responsibility, she will rely on her partner to be responsible. And if the man doesn’t connect with his nurturing side, he will want to be nurtured by her. But then when stresses and vulnerabilities arise in the relationship, these bonding patterns turn negative, and the partners turn on each other.

I am so grateful to have learned about bonding patterns because the awareness of them not only helps enormously in my relationship, but they also act as a guide for which parts of myself I have lost connection to.

Because bonding patterns are the natural way that we give and receive love, they are unavoidable. And no matter how conscious we become, there is always something that’s unconscious! But bonding patterns can be navigated successfully.

When you become aware that you are attracted to other people because of what you have disowned in yourself, and then work on owning those qualities in yourself, your relationships transform. I

If you are in a relationship already and you begin this process, then as you and your partner reclaim your disowned selves, you start to become more fully yourselves with each other and your relationship will become richer.

5. Engage with life; accept the gifts that are offered to you.

The night I met my husband a friend had invited me to a party hosted by one of her friends, and at first I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go.

I was tempted to decline the invitation because I didn’t know the person whose party it was, and it was a Sunday night, so I had work the next day. But I didn’t have a compelling reason not to go and I had promised myself that I would accept the gifts life offered me, such as saying yes to invitations that seemed to come from nowhere. And this was one of those.

When I got to that party, there he was: my future husband, with whom I have had three children and twenty-five years of a wonderful life together.

Was I looking for someone when I went to that party?

No. And it was a surprise to meet him there. If I had been intentionally looking for a partner, I probably would not have even spoken to my husband that night.

When you look at each person you encounter as if you are screening them for a job with a life-long contract, it changes the organic flow of events and natural connection that forms with the people you encounter. It is also off-putting to be evaluated as a “catch” and it is likely to make people run from you!

The simplest way to stop assessing others as potential life partners is to just stop looking for a partner and connect with the people you meet with genuine interest. Then enjoy the type of relationship that naturally develops—or doesn’t—whether that’s a friendship, a business connection, or a bond based on a mutual interest.

6. When you meet someone, don’t hurry things; allow the relationship to unfold.

When you meet someone you have a good connection with, allow that connection to develop and grow. If the person is a soul mate, he or she will also be into you, so if you both pay genuine attention to each other then something will develop.

There is no need to play games or to try particular seduction techniques or to achieve milestones by a particular time. A successful long-term relationship is not a game.

Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone you had to manipulate into it? Do you want your partner to be enchanted by an image you have created so that you have to hide yourself in some way? Or do you want your partner to love you wholeheartedly? What kind of relationship do you want to bring children into if you end up having them?

Each relationship is unique, just as each person is unique, so how your relationship unfolds will be unique too. You can’t plan for it to go a particular way. You have to engage with the process of it and with each other, and then make decisions as you go. There is no one line you can say, no one action you can take, that will lead to a particular result.

All you can do is live your life more fully, learn to accept and love yourself more fully, and you will love and be loved more fully.

 

Image Sources: Couple in Hawaii image via Shutterstock, Huffington Post

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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Being Too Nice Can Contribute to Depression

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Written By Elzbieta Pettingill
From Wake Up World

How Being Too Nice Can Contribute to DepressionThere is such a thing as being too nice, too giving and too caring. To overcome depression you must stop the habit of bending over to gain people’s approval. I know, it’s easier said than done. But no one said it’d be easy.

Those who are affected by depression tend to be people-pleasers. And yet, ironically, quite often their actions are viewed by others as selfish and self-centered. For over three decades I believed in that crap myself. I believed I was selfish and self-involved. I was convinced I had nothing to offer. I also thought that it didn’t matter what I thought. That my opinion was less important than anyone else’s. It seemed as if I was always living someone else’s life.

Finally, after two major brain seizures caused by a suicide attempt, I stopped living someone else’s life and looked deep within…

Someone Else’s Life

I was the child who was “too young to understand things” and therefore to make decisions. My life was run by the grown ups, who weren’t able to see the serious damage caused by the primitive belief such as; “children should be seen but not heard.” Then later, I became an young adult, clinging to any guy who’d find anything whatsoever appealing in me. At that time my looks seemed to have the only value in the eyes of others.

I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t who I am. I was a “slave” to anyone who was willing to have me in their life. The fear of rejection always steered my thoughts into the direction that led others to benefit from it more than I did.

How tiring was that!? How exhausting it is having to constantly put others before your own self! And how little reward you get at the end of it…

All this, so you can can keep deluding yourself that someone cares about you, at least enough to stick around. For a while, at least… ’til they get tired of it.

Then what do you do when the inevitable happens and when they leave? You blame yourself, of course. Consciously, or subconsciously, your already low self-esteem gets reinforced. It spirals downward in a lightening speed and you get even more depressed, thinking that there is no tomorrow for you…

Well, there is. And it’s a bright one, too!

You’ve heard the phrase: “You teach people how to treat you” but you’ve ignored it so far. Maybe because when you did try to stand up for yourself it always seemed to have back fired. You might even had finally snapped and told others to fuck off, which they deserved to hear, only to find yourself being labeled as too aggressive and not “lady-like.”

Well dear, who the f**k gives a damn? Who cares what others think and, or say? Let me just remind you – it shouldn’t be you. There is only one person in this entire world whose opinion should matter to you, and that is YOU and you ONLY.

There is only one person in this entire Universe that needs your pleasing, and that person is you.

There is only one person who needs your caring the most, and yes, you’ve guessed it –  it’s you again.

Being Too Nice Can Contribute to Depression - Alexander Pope quote (Difference Vice Virtue)

Just remember this: if you care too much – others will care too little… If you remain too available – others will always remain too busy for you. Without even being apologetic about it, people will always make you wait for them, making you feel as if your time is not nearly as valuable as theirs. You get the picture…

You will encounter resistance from those around you when you start making those long-overdue changes, but that’s OK. Have fun with it. See that sense of amusement on their faces and that sense of disbelief… Stare back at them without blinking.

Be prepared to deal with the consequences of having the courage to do what’s right for you. In your mind let go of the fear of not having that job in case your boss decides to fire you. Maybe it means it’s time to do something else for a living.

Be ready to let go of your significant other if s/he continues to refuse to treat you in a new, more loving and respectful way.

Make yourself OK with being alone for now. Make yourself comfortable with being with… YOU. Get to know yourself. Find out exactly what your needs and desires are and then become unstoppable in fulfilling them! Be selfish. You’ve been accused of it so many times before, now it’s time for you to show others (and yourself) how selfish you can really be! Show them that you mean business… :)

Renounce the guilt. Let go of it. Completely. It’s time to release it.

Be your number one. Be bold. Be spontaneous. Learn to be yourself in every situation and around everyone.

This is how you start to love yourself…

 

Image Source: Gordon Chalmers/Flickr

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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14 Lies Your Mind Tells You to Prevent Life Changes

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Written By Leo Babauta
From HighExistence

The mind is a wonderful thing.

It’s also a complete liar that constantly tries to convince us not to take actions we know are good for us, and stops many great changes in our lives.

Scumbag mind.

I’ve had to learn to watch these rationalizations and excuses very carefully, in order to make the changes I’ve made in my life: a healthier diet, regular exercise, meditation, minimalism, writing daily, getting out of debt, quitting smoking, and so on.

If I hadn’t learned these excuses, and how to counter them, I would never have stuck to these changes. In fact, I failed many times before 2005 (when I started changing my life), because these excuses had complete power over me.

Let’s expose the cowardly mind’s excuses and rationalizations once and for all.

First, the main principle: the mind wants comfort, and is afraid of discomfort and change. The mind is used to its comfort cocoon, and anytime we try to push beyond that comfort zone very far or for very long, the mind tries desperately to get back into the cocoon. At any cost, including our long-term health and happiness.

OK, with that in mind, let’s go into the excuses:

1. I can’t do it.

It seems too hard, so we think we can’t stick to the change. We don’t believe in ourselves. This can be countered from the fact that many other people no more capable than us have done it. For example, Oprah ran a marathon a little before I started training for my first marathon, and so I told myself, “If Oprah can do it, so can I!” I was right.

2. He/she can do it, but that doesn’t apply to me.

Just because someone else can do it, doesn’t mean we can, right? We look for reasons they can do it but we can’t — maybe he can be a minimalist because he has no kids, or is a freelancer rather than someone with a real job. Maybe she’s way, way fitter than I am, so she can run a marathon. Maybe she doesn’t have all the obligations I have, or has a supportive spouse, or doesn’t have a crippling health condition. OK, fine, it’s easy to find excuses: but look at all the other people who have worse obstacles than you who’ve done it. I have 6 kids and still managed to change a lot of things in my life. Stories abound of people with disabilities or illnesses who overcame their obstacles to achieve amazing things. Your obstacles can be overcome.

3. I need my ___.

Fill in the blank: I need my coffee, my cheese, my soda, my TV shows, my car, my shoe collection … these are things we convince ourselves we can’t live without, so we can’t make a change like becoming vegan or eating healthier or unschooling our kids or simplifying our lives or going car-free. And I’ve made these excuses myself, but they all turned out to be lies. I didn’t need any of that. The only things you really need are basic food, water, clothing, shelter, and other people for social needs. Everything else is not a real need.

4. Life is meant to be enjoyed.

Sure, I agree with this statement (as many of us would) but the problem is this is used to justify all kinds of crappy behavior. Might as well scarf down those Doritos and Twinkies, because hey, life is meant to be enjoyed, right? No. You can do without junk food and still enjoy life. You can exercise and enjoy it. You can give up pretty much anything and still enjoy life, if you learn to see almost any activity as enjoyable.

5. I need comfort.

This might also be true, but we can push ourselves into more discomfort than we let ourselves believe. We can be a bit cold, instead of needing to be at the perfect comfortable temperature. We can do hard exercise, instead of needing to lay around on the couch. We can write that thing we’ve been procrastinating on — it might be hard, but we can push through that. When our minds seek comfort, don’t let them run — push a little bit outside the comfort zone, and begin to be OK with a bit of discomfort.

6. I don’t know how.

This is also true, but you can learn. Start with a little at a time, and learn how to deal with this new change. Do some research online. Watch some videos. Ask people online how they dealt with it. This is easily overcome with a little effort and practice. In fact, if you do it now, and learn a little at a time, then you’ll be able to do away with this pesky excuse.

7. I can do it later.

Sure, you can always do it later … but your later self will also feel the same way. Why should the later self be more disciplined than your current self? In fact, because you’re allowing yourself to slide now, you’re building a habit of procrastination and actually making is less likely that your future self will be more disciplined. Instead, do it now, unless there’s something more important that you need to do … don’t let yourself slide just because you don’t feel like it.

8. One time won’t hurt.

This is so tempting, because it’s kind of true — one time won’t hurt. Assuming, that is, that it’s only one time. One bite of chocolate cake, one missed workout, one time procrastinating instead of writing. Unfortunately, it’s never actually just one time. One time means your brain now knows it can get away with this excuse, and the next “one time” leads to another, until you’re not actually sticking to something. Make a rule: never ever believe the “one time” excuse. I did this with smoking (“Not One Puff Ever”) and it worked. If you’re going to allow yourself a bite or two of chocolate cake, decide beforehand and build it into your plan (“I will allow myself a fist-sized serving of sweets once every weekend”) and stick to that plan, rather than deciding on the fly, when your resistance is weak.

9. I don’t feel like it.

Well, true. You don’t feel like working hard. Who does? Letting the rule of “I’ll do it when feel like it” dictate your life means you’ll never write that book, never build that business, never create anything great, never have healthy habits. Create a plan that’s doable, and execute it. When the rationalizations like this come up, don’t believe them. Everyone is capable of doing a hard workout even when they’re not in the mood. Everyone can overcome their internal resistance.

10. I’m tired.

Yep, me too. I still did my heavy squat workout today. There is truth to needing rest, and resting when you need it (listen to your body) but this is usually the mind trying to weasel out of something uncomfortable. There’s a difference between being exhausted and needing some rest, and being the little tired we all feel every afternoon. Push through the latter.

11. I deserve a reward/break.

We all deserve that tasty treat, or a day off. I’m not saying you shouldn’t give yourself a reward or break. But if you make this rationalization your rule, you’ll always be on a break. You’ll always be giving yourself rewards, and never sticking to the original plan. Here’s what I do instead: I see sticking to my plan as the reward itself. Going on a run isn’t the thing I have to get through to get a reward — the run is the reward.

12. Wouldn’t it be nice to stop?

This again is our mind wanting to run from discomfort, and of course it’s true — it would be nice to stop if you’re pushing into a discomfort zone for too long. The thing is, the implication is that it would be better to stop, because it would be nice … but that’s a lie. It would be easier to stop, but often it’s better to continue pushing. This excuse almost beat me when I tried to run my 50-mile ultramarathon last December, because honestly it would have been much nicer to stop and not finish the race, especially in the last 10 miles or so. I pushed through, and found out I was tougher than I thought.

13. The result you’re going for isn’t important.

If you’re trying to run a marathon, this is phrased like, “It’s not that important that I finish this”. I’ve used this excuse for learning languages (it doesn’t matter if I learn this) or programming or any number of things I wanted to learn. I’ve used it for writing and exercise and eating healthy food. And while the result might not be that important, the truth is that the process is very important. If you stick with a process that will be better for you in the long run, then you will be better off. But if you let yourself go just because you are uncomfortable and at this moment care more for your comfort than the goal you set out for, you’ll have lots of problems. The goal isn’t important, but learning to stick to things when you’re uncomfortable is extremely important.

14. I’m afraid.

Now, this is the most honest excuse there is — most of us don’t want to admit we’re afraid to pursue something difficult. But it’s also a weaselly way out of discomfort — just because you’re afraid doesn’t mean you can’t do something. You can. I’ve done tons of things I’m afraid of — mostly creating things that I was worried I’d fail at. And while the fear sometimes came true — I didn’t do too well sometimes — the act of pushing through the fear was incredibly important and I learned a lot each time.

Awareness & Practice

I’ve used all of these excuses hundreds of times each, so don’t think I’ve overcome them all. And you can use them in the future too. There’s nothing wrong with giving in sometimes.

The key is to learn whether they’re true, and see your pattern. Here’s what I’ve done:

  1. Notice the excuse. It has way more power if it works on you in the background.
  2. Try to have an answer for the excuse beforehand — anticipate it.
  3. If you give in, that’s OK, but recognize that you’re giving in to a lame excuse. Be aware of what you’re doing.
  4. After giving in, see what the results are. Are you happier? Is your life better? Was it worth it giving in to discomfort?
  5. Learn from those results. If you pushed through and are happy about it, remember that. If you gave in to excuses, and didn’t like the result, remember that.

If you consciously practice this process, you’ll get better at recognizing and not believing these lies. And then, bam, you’ve got your mind working for you instead of against you.

More on Self-Limiting Ideas

If you appreciated this discussion of self-limiting ideas, you’ll absolutely love Alan Watts’ The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Arewhich refutes what is perhaps the greatest self-limiting idea of all—the idea that you are nothing more than a separate ego in a sack of skin.

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Image Source: Bestworkahead.com, Wiki Commons

Follow Drew on Instagram!

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Check out my best selling Amazon book: WHY-DENTITY:17 Practices to Help You Transform Your Mind and Live Your Life’s Purpose – GET IT HERE

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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5 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships

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5 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships

 

Written By Marc Chernoff
From Marc & Angel Hack Life

When I was younger I often felt inadequate and “not good enough” to be friends, lovers, or business partners with certain people.  Sometimes I simply couldn’t understand what others saw in me.  I was very insecure.

I ended many promising relationships because of my insecurity.  In my mind, it felt easier for me to end it before they did.  Walking away rather than risking the heartbreak of rejection was how I justified my behavior to myself.  But after awhile, as I grew emotionally, I began to realize that I wanted and needed the comfort and support of long-term relationships.

So what did I do, and what can you do if insecurity is damaging your relationships?

You need to understand that a good relationship is about sharing ideas and enjoyable moments with another, to help each other grow in healthy ways, both together socially and as individuals.  If someone really does treat you poorly or lies and cheats you out of something, feeling insecure is a natural and reasonable response.  However, if you’re actually in a generally good relationship with someone, then it’s time to…

1.  Stop trying to read minds.

Most relationship problems and associated social anxieties start with bad communication, which in turn leads to attempted mind reading.  Mind reading occurs when two people assume that they know what the other is thinking when they don’t.  This process of wondering and trying to guess what someone is thinking is a rapid route to feelings of insecurity and stress.

If someone says one thing, don’t assume they mean something else.  If they say nothing at all, don’t assume their silence has some hidden, negative connotation.  Likewise, don’t make the people in your life try to read your mind.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Give the people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable.

It’s also important to remember that you aren’t suppose to know every little thing going on in the minds of others, even the people closest to you.  When you stop trying to read their minds, you really begin to respect their right to privacy.  Everyone deserves the right to think private thoughts.  Constantly asking, “What are you thinking?” can provoke a person to withdraw from a relationship to find space.  (Read Getting the Love You Want.)

2.  Stop looking for perfect relationships.

You will end up spending your entire life hopelessly seeking the right lover and the right friends if you expect them to be perfect.  Even worse, the process of doing so will drive you mad, as you feel more and more insecure with every failed relationship that doesn’t live up to your fantasy of perfection.

We’re all seeking those special relationships that feel perfect for us, but if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to realize that there are no “perfect people” for you, just different flavors of imperfect ones.  That’s because we are all imperfect in some way.  You yourself are imperfect in many ways, and you seek out relationships with people who are imperfect in complementary ways.

It takes a lot of life experience to grow fully into yourself and realize your own imperfections; and it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest imperfections, your unsolvable flaws – the ones that truly define who you are – that you are able to proficiently select harmonious relationships.  Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for.  You’re looking for imperfect people who balance you out – the perfectly imperfect people for you.  (Angel and I discuss this process in detail in the Relationships chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

3.   Stop judging current relationships based on past ones.

Think about those times when you passed an unfair judgment on someone merely because they reminded you of someone from your past who treated you poorly.  Sadly, some people pass judgments like these throughout the entire duration of their long-term relationships.  Simply because they were once in a relationship with someone who was abusive, dishonest, or who left them, they respond defensively to everyone else who gets close to them, even though these new relationships have been nothing but kind and supportive.

If you carry old bricks from the failed relationships of your past to your present relationships, you will build the same flawed structures that fell apart before.  So if you suspect that you have been making unfair comparisons between your present relationships and a negative one from the past, take a moment and consciously reflect on the hurtful qualities of this old, negative relationship, and then think of all the ways your present relationships differ.  This small exercise will help you let go of the old bricks and remind you that past pains are not indicative of present possibilities.

4.  Stop inventing problems that don’t exist.

Inventing problems in our mind and then believing them is a clear path to self-sabotage.  Too often we amuse ourselves with anxious predictions, deceive ourselves with negative thinking, and ultimately live in a state of hallucination about worst-case scenarios.  We overlook everything but the plain, downright, simple, honest truth.

When you invent problems in your relationships, your relationships ultimately suffer.  Insecurity is often the culprit.  If you doubt yourself and you don’t realize your own worth, you will pass on any opportunity to let others care for you, and you will remain stuck with the insecurity issues that weigh you down.

The insecure passenger does not trust anyone else to drive.  They feel out of control.  They imagine that the driver is not paying attention.  Or they may even fantasize that the slight jolting of the driver stepping on the breaks is a sign of doom via an impending collision.  They freak themselves out by assuming that the visions they have invented in their mind represents reality.

What you need to realize is that there are normal idiosyncrasies to any relationship.  There are ups and downs and mood changes, moments of affection and closeness and moments of friction.  These ups and downs are normal.  Wanting to be absolutely close and intimate all the time is like wanting to be a passenger in a car that has no driver.

Next time you feel insecure, and you catch yourself stressing about problems that don’t exist, stop yourself and take a deep breath.  Then tell yourself, “This problem I’m concerned with only exists in my mind.”  Being able to distinguish between what you imagine and what is actually happening in your life is an important step towards self-confidence.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)

5.  Stop focusing on the negatives.

There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship.  Even if it seems perfect now, it won’t always be.  Imperfection, however, is real and beautiful.  The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations.  It’s how two people accept and deal with the imperfections of their relationship that make it ideal.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you have to accept everyone into your life who is willing to accept you, even if they are obviously not right for you.  But it does mean that if there are occasional difficulties in your relationships, you don’t have to jump to the bold conclusion that the entire relationship is bad, and become so distressed that the relationship ends, or so insecure that the other person questions your intentions.

No meaningful relationship will always work flawlessly all the time.  Being too black and white about the quality and health of a relationship spells trouble.  There will always be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good.  Insecure people constantly look for signs of what’s not working in their relationships.  What you need to do is look for signs of what is.

Having an appreciation for how remarkable the people in your life are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places.  So notice their strong qualities, cheer for their victories, and encourage their goals and ambitions.  Challenge them to be the best they can be.  Every day, acknowledge just how amazing they are.

The floor is yours…

What relationship issues do you struggle with?  When it comes to your relationships, what makes you feel insecure?  Please leave us a comment below and share your thoughts.

 

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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Why It’s Normal Not to Be Happy All the Time

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Written By Amy Eisinger
From Greatist

Take one look at your Instagram feed and you’ll see it: an abundance of smiling faces and enviable activities. Turn on the TV, open a magazine, glance at a billboard, and the results are the same. From ear-to-ear grins to endless laughter, it’s like the whole world is happy all the time.

And yet that doesn’t add up. Whether it’s the sense that it all seems too good to be true, or the fact that more than 7 percent of the U.S. population is depressed and more than 27 percent of Americans have sought mental health therapy, something about this joyful frenzy seems off. Maybe you’ve reassured yourself intuitively that no one can be that happy all the time. If so, you’d be right.

The Pressure to Be Happy

Living in a world where there’s an overemphasis on being happy 24/7 can actually have just the opposite effect. “If you’re too focused on becoming happier, it’s going to backfire,” says Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., a psychology professor and author of The How of Happiness.

She compares monitoring your happiness to monitoring weight loss: You shouldn’t obsess about it daily, because there could be small changes from one day to the next. Plus, researchers now think some element of happiness is likely out of your control and left up to your genes. You know one friend who’s just relentlessly happier than everyone else? That could be why.

But if your genes leave you in the “glass half-empty” side of the spectrum, take heart. There’s a whole school of thought called defensive pessimism that focuses on the upside of more negative thinking. It’s based on the idea that setting low expectations and then specifically preparing for what could go wrong might actually lead to better performance and personal growth.

“People’s happiness levels are just different from each other; and that’s OK,” says Alex Korb, Ph.D., a researcher at UCLA and author of The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time. Some people’s brains respond more to positive events than negative ones, and vice versa. As a result, some people might just be happier—all the time.

Lyubomirsky also suggested picturing happiness on a scale of one to 10. Some people might naturally fall in the eight to 10 range, while you might be more of a six to eight. It doesn’t mean you can’t get your “happiness level” up, but it may be more natural for you to be more mellow. Lyubomirsky stressed that the important thing was to focus on your own level of happiness—and not compare it to others. Think of it like a runner focusing on his personal best: Setting a personal standard and concentrating on that may lead to greater happiness than allowing yourself to be detracted by others’ lives.

However, if you’re constantly feeling down about your life, know there is a difference between a “mediocre” level of happiness and actually being depressed. Feeling sad, anxious, or empty for more than a few days could be a sign that you should seek more serious help.

No Such Thing as “Bad” Emotions

“There’s this idea out there that our emotions are ‘positive’ or ‘negative,’ [but] I think all of our emotions are normal and adaptive and have a purpose or function,” says William Breen, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist. “To use them all means we are living a rich, fulfilling life.”

But even if you know you should use all of your emotions, it still feels like one gets priority above the rest. And that expectation of constant happiness is part of the problem.

“If you have an expectation that you should always be happy right now, then any moment of not being happy is sort of deeply dissatisfying and frustrating,” says Korb. Furthermore, all those laughter-filled ads, TV shows, and social media posts are changing our expectation of happiness. And when those high expectations don’t match up with out reality, we find ourselves feeling down.

The key to getting out of the rut? Redefining your own expectations and not allowing your happiness to be dependent on the forces you can’t control. “There’s not a day that you just wake up and say, ‘I’ve got it!,'” says Breen. “It’s an ongoing process. We’re going to feel down and feel sad and cry—and that’s meaningful and important.”

A Comparison That Needs to Stop

Another reason your feelings don’t always jive with the world around you: You’re comparing apples and oranges.

“There’s an old saying, ‘You shouldn’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides,’ and yet we do that all the time,” says John Sharp, Ph.D., a psychiatrist and author of The Emotional Calendar.

Whether you’re looking at people smiling on TV or in a magazine, you’re comparing your inner feelings to the way someone appears to be feeling on the outside.

“Human social connection is very complex. We are very attuned to the authenticity of other people’s emotions,” says Korb. “We have a trigger if someone is being inauthentic and that can have a jarring effect.” So if browsing glamorous Instagram photos has left you feeling sort of empty, it could be that intuitive trigger.

Of course, we’re all guilty of posting our coolest moments on social media. But there’s a reason not everything is eye roll-inducing. Korb says feeling genuinely connected to others can have a huge impact on our happiness. Have a BFF you rarely speak to, but thinking of her always make you smile? Bingo. That’s connectedness.

However, if your social feeds are crammed with people you vaguely know—or worse, if you feel a friend only posts updates to show off—this prompts that “inauthentic trigger.” And as disconnectedness increases, says Korb, so does our frustration and annoyance.

Luckily, there are lots of ways to get happier. While experts admit technology and social media has its place, many suggest occasionally unplugging as a way to increase happiness.

“Step back and have a conversation with the people right around you, says Breen. “Technology has a wonderful role in our lives, but human connection is important.”

Korb also suggested focusing on the parts of your life you’re grateful for and setting up long-term goals so that small, daily discouragements don’t seem so critical. “Have a sense of purpose—whether it’s related to the people you feel connected to, a cause, your work, or your religion,” says Korb. That guiding force can help mitigate immediate emotional fluctations (like getting bummed out while checking out Instagram and Facebook).

The Bottom Line

You’ve heard it before, but it’s true: Don’t believe everything you see on TV (or on social media or in magazines). Ecstatic-dancing-at-Coachella-level happiness is likely impossible for anyone to sustain. So know that it’s OK to feel down at times. After all, frustration, anger, sadness, and all of your other emotions are part of a normal, satisfying life.

 

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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8 Things to Remember When Your Relationship Gets Rough

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8 Relationship Lessons it’s Never too Late to Learn

 

Written By  Angel Chernoff
From Marc & Angel Hack Life

There is a purpose for everyone you will ever meet.  Some will test you, some will teach you, and some will bring out the very best in you.

You never know when life is about to teach you a new lesson.  You simply can’t plan for it.  Some lessons just seem to sneak up on you when you least expect them.  This is especially true when it comes to relationships.  There have been times in my personal and professional relationships when I wish a lesson had come a bit earlier, to save me from heartache and the wasted time and energy of learning things the hard way.

That being said, I am grateful for every lesson my relationships have taught me over the years because I am now better equipped to deal with rough patches when they arise.  And that’s exactly what I want cover with you today – eight things I’ve learned to keep in mind when a relationship gets rough.  These aren’t solutions to specific problems, but rather simple reminders that will help you look at many common relationship problems more objectively.

1.  Every one of us is struggling in some way.

It’s impossible to know exactly how another person is feeling or what kind of emotional battles they’re fighting.  Sometimes the widest smiles hide the thinnest strands of self-confidence and hope.  Sometimes the ‘rich’ have everything but happiness.  Realize this as you interact with others, long before you pass judgment.  Every smile or sign of strength hides an inner struggle every bit as complex and extraordinary as your own.

It’s a sage fact of life, really, that every one of us encompasses a profound and unique set of secrets and mysteries that are absolutely undetectable to everyone else, including those closest to us.

2.  Some people will put you down no matter what you do.

Yes, there will be those who are critical of you regardless of what you do or how well you do it.  If you say you want to be a dancer, they will discredit your rhythm.  If you say you want to build a new business, they will give you a dozen reasons why it might not work.  They somehow assume you don’t have what it takes, but they are dead wrong.

Do not engage deeply in a relationship that is holding you back, day in and day out.

It’s a lot easier to be negative than positive – a lot easier to be critical than correct.  When you’re embarking on a new venture, instead of listening to the few critics that will try to discredit you, spend time talking to one of the millions of people in this world who are willing to support your efforts and acknowledge your potential.  (Read Emotional Vampires.)

3.  Resentment only hurts its holder.

Holding a resentful grudge is like drinking toxic venom and waiting for the other person to grow ill.  It’s an exercise in futility.  And just as toxic venom is to the human body, so is resentment to the human spirit – even one tiny bit is bad for you.

Don’t magnify life’s difficulties by filling your mind with resentment.  Instead, ease your burdens by choosing to let them go.  If you feel resentful feelings starting to take hold, stop and consider the fact that there’s nothing to be gained by bringing yourself down over what has already happened.

Let today be the day you stop letting the ghosts of yesterday haunt you.  Let today be the day you stop poisoning yourself with needless hatred.  Forget about getting even with someone who hurt you, and instead get even with those who have helped.

4.  Forgiveness is the only path to peace of mind.

When someone has hurt you it’s hard to be peaceful.  But you do it anyway because you know peace is the only battle worth waging.  Peace is beautiful; it is the manifestation of your love and the best resolution for a brighter future.

Being peaceful is hard sometimes – much harder than being angry and vengeful.  It requires you to stay calm and let go of the pain.  It requires you to forgive and move on.  Of course, you don’t do these things just for the person who has hurt you, but for your own well-being.

5.  True love is real and worth working for.

Whether it’s a friendship or an intimate relationship, when someone loves you, you know it.  When they look your way, the world looks better.  When they say your name, the world sounds better.  When they touch your skin, the world feels better.  You know your soul is safe in their care.

But even more so than any physical interaction, there’s a silent connection between you that you can feel in your veins.  You can sit in front of them for hours, without saying a word or moving a muscle, and yet still feel them with your heart.  It’s almost like they’ve always been a part of you – like a long lost fragment of your essence has found its way home.

It’s important to note though, that you learn about this kind of love slowly as a relationship grows.  It’s not something you realize all at once.  It’s about how two people treat each other, respect each other, and work together over a prolonged period, through good times and bad.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)

6.  It is our imperfections that ultimately attract us to each other.

If you’re still searching for the perfect partner or friendship, stop.  There’s no such thing.  There are only different flavors of imperfect ones.  In fact, you are just as imperfect as the partner or friend you seek.  You simply need to find someone whose imperfections complement your own.

This process doesn’t happen overnight.

It takes a lot of living to grow into the realization of your own imperfections.  It takes lots of life experience before you bump into your deepest inner demons, your greatest flaws, and all the idiosyncrasies that make you, YOU.  And it’s only after you meet these imperfect parts of yourself that you know who you are looking for – someone whose scars and flaws fit your own – someone who’s imperfect in the perfect way for you.

7.  We all bring positivity and negativity into our relationships.

Be careful not to continuously doubt the positives of your partner (or friend) and then ignore your own negative behavior.  You likely do this more often than you think.  For instance, you will say to your partner dozens of times:  Do you really love me?  Are you sure?  And ask similar questions that doubt the existence of their love.  But you will rarely ask:  Does this upset you?  Are you sure?  And similar questions that have the potential to resolve conflict before it starts.

This imbalance creates tension on both sides of the equation.  The positive things become more burdensome while the negatives fester in the background, unresolved.  Bottom line:  Have faith in the positives as you work on turning the negatives around, or simply accepting them.

8.  Spending time alone is necessary.

Relationships with others are important, but you need alone time sometimes, because when you’re in solitude you’re free from obligations and external pressures.  You’re free to be YOU without being fancy and putting on a show.  You’re able to hear your own thoughts and follow through with them, sincerely.

Go ahead and find a quiet place.  Stretch your boundaries.  Explore places you’ve never been.  Go so far away from what you know that you stop being afraid of the unfamiliar.

Cherish your time alone.  Take long walks and drives by yourself.  Watch sunsets and sunrises silently in peace.  Teach yourself something new.  Read books.  Write poetry.  Sing along to your favorite songs.  Check your instincts and follow them on your own time, without third party influence.  Decide if fitting in 24/7 is more important than discovering who you truly are and what you’re here to do.  Once you’ve got a handle on this, relationships with others get a lot easier.  (Marc and I discuss this in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

Afterthoughts

All relationships, including the one you have with yourself, require patience and work.  No meaningful relationship will work flawlessly all the time.  Being too black and white about the expectations of what should or shouldn’t happen in a relationship always spells trouble.  No matter what, there will be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good.  Instead of constantly looking for signs of what’s not working in your relationships, what you need to do is look for signs of what is.  Because, as you know, what we focus on grows.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  What do you try to keep in mind when a relationship gets rough?  Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights with the community.

 

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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10 Ways Men Push Women Away — Without Even Realizing It

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10 Ways Men Push Women Away Without Realizing It Relationships don’t need to be that complicated, gentlemen.

 

Written By  James Michael Sama
From Your Tango

Relationships don’t need to be that complicated, gentlemen.

I was once interviewed for an article on Fox News Los Angeles, the author of which finds herself immersed in the LA dating scene. As you can imagine, this is quite a unique experience. 

We discussed some recent experiences she had with men, and while some of them were a little different from what I usually hear, some were consistent with issues I felt I discussed multiple times before with different women about men.

What does this mean? It means there are consistencies. There are, for some reason, mistakes that many men (probably myself included) are making when it comes to being in a relationship. In this article, I will discuss these mistakes to help all men become more aware of where they can improve, and work to become better.

 

1. He never really learned about relationships.

This has always surprised me. People (men and women) spend years of their life learning about business, history, science, and whatever subject comes our way. But when it comes to the one thing every single one of us shares — relationships — many are generally clueless.

Time is not taken to observe, talk to, or learn about the opposite sex. The more effort you put into learning about women, particularly the one in your life, the more likely you are to be in tune with her feelings, emotions, likes and dislikes.

This will, of course, lead to a smoother, happier relationship because you can anticipate her wants and needs in order to act on them. You don’t need to be a mind reader; you just need to put in a little effort.

2. He spends too much time trying to sell himself.

You spend far too much time talking about yourself and not enough time learning about her. Dating is not supposed to be a sales pitch where you try to convince the person on the other end of the table that you’re their best option.

It’s about mutual learning and figuring out whether or not you are both a match for each other. You have two ears and one mouth for a reason, so listen twice as much as you speak.

3. He doesn’t make her a priority.

I’ve had more than one conversation recently that focused on men who were either so submerged in their career, business, friends, or other interests that they barely made time to spend with their own girlfriend. As an entrepreneur, I understand the importance of focusing on business and progress, but I also understand the beauty and depth a relationship can bring to your life, and the importance of playing your equal role in it.

The woman in your life wants to feel valued. She wants to feel adored. She wants you to be emotionally present when you are with her. She doesn’t need to have you around constantly, but she wants to feel loved, just like you do.

If you stop putting in effort to make the woman in your life feel special every day, you lose your right to complain when someone else does.

4. He didn’t work to build a foundation.

A foundation of friendship and trust is essential to every relationship, much like building a foundation is essential to building a house. Without it, things may look solid from the outside, but will be crumbling from the inside.

Many men shy away from friendship with women because they’re scared of being in the “friend zone” and never having more than that with a woman they have feelings for. But it’s important to realize that many relationships are built off of friendships.

That is what keeps two people together long-term. She needs to know she can count on you, that you will be there, and that you are the real deal. 

You can have a friendship without a relationship, but you can’t have a relationship without a friendship.

5. He is inconsistent.

Another common question I get from women about men is: Why are men so hot and cold? Men can be talking about commitment and a relationship one day, and then completely disappear the next. What gives?

I understand that, as men in the social media era, we have options. We can easily X out a conversation and start a new one while easily forgetting about the last one.

It’s an unfortunate side effect of the “out of sight, out of mind” mentality that comes along with constant information overload. But one thing hasn’t changed: The fact that you are talking to real human beings with real feelings and emotions.

If you are interested in her, tell her. If you are not interested in her, tell her. A gentleman will never allow a woman to fall if he does not intend on catching her.

6. He focuses too much on her looks.

This one is pretty interesting because it may be counter-intuitive to a lot of men reading this. But that is only because most guys try to get a woman’s attention by complimenting her beauty, and put no effort into learning about her character.

Early on in my relationship I found myself not complimenting my girlfriend on her looks very often. I wanted to tell her that she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen; I wanted to tell her that she looks just as beautiful in sweatpants as she does in a dress

I wanted to dig up every adjective I could think of that could be used to describe someone’s appearance — but, I didn’t. Why? Because I didn’t want her to think that’s why I wanted to be with her.

Yes, she is beautiful and sexy, but she is so much more than that. I actually told her once that I didn’t want her to think I only wanted her for her looks. She told me that if I’d spent too much time complimenting her beauty, that’s exactly what she would’ve thought.

The woman in your life will have much more appreciation for you taking the time to notice her character, compassion, thoughtfulness, and kindheartedness — far more than you telling her how great her butt looks in those jeans. Even if it does.

7. He gives too much, too soon.

Yes, men can be clingy, too. When we find a woman who really catches our attention, sometimes the excitement can be a little overwhelming and we may come on stronger than we intend to. This, particularly for a more independent type of woman, is kryptonite and pushes her away immediately.

Take a step back, take a deep breath, tell her what a great time you had on your date, and do your best to fight the urge to text her every 5 minutes. Don’t be worried about coming across as uninterested; you will actually likely be helping yourself rather than hurting yourself.

8. He hasn’t yet defined himself or his own path.

I know that this was a big hang-up for me for a long time. I wasn’t really sure who I was as a person, who I wanted to be, or who I wanted to become. For that reason (and others) I knew I wasn’t going to be ready for a relationship until I had at least a better grip on those questions.

In order to be happy with someone else, you first need to be happy with yourself. That is the most important relationship you’ll ever have. If that one isn’t healthy, none of your others will be either.

The idea of “you complete me” is romantic, but it’s not realistic. A relationship is not about two people who complete each other; it’s about two people who are already whole and accept each other completely.

9. He puts in part-time effort.

Healthy relationships aren’t a part-time commitment. The woman you are with is not just another option or a way to pass your time, and she shouldn’t be made to feel like she is.

When you are with her, be with her. When you are not with her, let her know you’re thinking about her. A relationship is a team, and teams fall apart when one of the members doesn’t pull their own weight.

She needs to know that you will be there for her during good times and during bad times. If you always seem to be just sort-of-kind-of committed, she will eventually realize she’s better off being single, or will find someone who gives her what she needs.

10. He’s clueless about how she’s feeling.

You also need to make sure you learn about her on a deeper level, especially about the one woman you’ve committed your time and effort to. If you don’t put in the effort to become in-tune with how she’s feeling or what she’s communicating to you non-verbally, you will never be able to form the type of deep, emotional connection that a healthy relationship should possess.

She doesn’t want or need you to be a psychic. But if you truly put in the time and effort to communicate with her, listen to her, and pay attention to the things she’s saying to you when she’s not actually speaking, you will gain a greater understanding of the woman you love and ultimately be able to bring more happiness to you as individuals, and to your relationship.

Relationships shouldn’t be as complicated as they seem to be for our generation. They don’t need rules or checklists; what they do need is two people who are willing to learn, understand, and communicate; two people who will stand by each other when things are good, and when things are bad.

Two people who are willing to work together as a team. Because, in the end, the team wins the game.

 

Image Sources: HD Wallpapers, weheartit

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Check out my best selling Amazon book: WHY-DENTITY:17 Practices to Help You Transform Your Mind and Live Your Life’s Purpose – GET IT HERE

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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13 Old School Dating Practices We Should Bring Back, Stat!

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Written By Cassandra Guerrier
From Your Tango

It’s time for a throwback to a simpler time with some good ol’ retro romance.

Now that the “hookup culture” is on the rise, it’s hard to remember the days when people took dating seriously. From one night stands to casual flings, hooking up has pretty much become the norm. I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with having a good time, but I have to admit that I miss getting concrete signs that the guy I’m seeing is genuinely interested without having to turn into Sherlock Holmes just to figure out what he’s really thinking. For some reason, there’s a major disconnect between our parents’ generation of dating and how we approach the game today. Forget about riding off into the sunset with your knight and shining armor or being swept off your feet; it’s the little things you do to show your partner that you’re in it 100 percent that speak volumes. You don’t need to be a damsel in distress to find someone who will treat you with respect or to get the love that you deserve.

If you need further convincing, these retro dating habits (that are slowly becoming extinct) will prove why we all need to stop playing it cool and just be honest about how we feel. Besides, I’d take going steady over being “Facebook official” any day.

 

 Call Me Maybe

1. The first old school ritual we need to revive? Picking up the phone! Forget about emoji wars and figure out how your date really feels by having an actual conversation.

 

 

 Dance The Night Away

2. Bring back the days when this was considered dancing…

 

 

Twerk Nation

…Instead of this.

 

 

Communicate In Person

3. Why hide behind texts when you can make your date swoon with your boyish charm in the flesh? Don’t let your smooth lines get lost in translation.

 

 

Be On Time

4. If you say you’re going to show up at a certain time, actually get there on time. Male or female, there is nothing sexy about dining at a table for one, waiting for your date to grace you with his or her presence.

 

 

Courting

5. The “hookup culture” of today is all about being physical without getting tangled in the emotional. How about we flip the script and try taking it slow? Whether it’s in the form of amorous letters or a walk in the park, make an effort to court your sweetheart the old-fashioned way

 
 

Take It Slow

6. There’s a reason why the adage “Slow and steady wins the race” is so popular. Instead of rushing into a relationship, give yourself some time to fall in love naturally.

 

Don’t Blame It On The Alcohol

7. If you’re getting first date jitters and just can’t shake off the nerves, getting through the night with a little help from your friends Mr. Jack Daniels and Samuel Adams definitely won’t help you land that second date.

 
 

Ready To Commit? Go Steady

8. We’ve become so obsessed with social media that the defining moment of a relationship is how fast we make it “facebook official”. Back in the ’50s, going steady meant nixing those mixed signals in the bud by promising to commit and actually meaning it.

 
 

Be Honest

9. Okay, Nancy Drew, you won’t need to put your facebook stalking skills to use and crack his cryptic statuses for this one. Not sure if you’re on the same page? Just ask! The only way that you’ll change your relationship status is by making it clear that you want more.

 
 

Stop Playing Mind Games

10. Old school romance was all about being transparent with your partner and showing just how interested you were. Nothing is worse then falling for someone who doesn’t feel the same.

 

 

Bring Chivalry Back To Life

11. Let’s be real. Chivalry needs some serious mouth to mouth resuscitation. For starters, small gestures (like not letting the door slam in your date’s face) should just be common courtesy regardless of gender.

 

 

Compliment

12. Hey girl (or guy), when you compliment your date, it’s always better to be genuine than superficial.

 

 

No Second Guessing

And if they have to wonder whether they should be flattered or insulted, you’re doing it wrong.

 

 

Be Yourself

13. Finally, if you seriously want to find the one, you have to love yourself first and trust that everything else will fall into place. No matter what generation you’re a part of, this rule will always trump all.

 

Image Source: Beastly Gentleman

Follow Drew on Instagram!

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@DrewCanole 

 

 

Check out my best selling Amazon book: WHY-DENTITY:17 Practices to Help You Transform Your Mind and Live Your Life’s Purpose – GET IT HERE

whydentity

testimonial1testimonial2testimonial3

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.