All posts in “lost love”

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Being Too Nice Can Contribute to Depression

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Written By Elzbieta Pettingill
From Wake Up World

How Being Too Nice Can Contribute to DepressionThere is such a thing as being too nice, too giving and too caring. To overcome depression you must stop the habit of bending over to gain people’s approval. I know, it’s easier said than done. But no one said it’d be easy.

Those who are affected by depression tend to be people-pleasers. And yet, ironically, quite often their actions are viewed by others as selfish and self-centered. For over three decades I believed in that crap myself. I believed I was selfish and self-involved. I was convinced I had nothing to offer. I also thought that it didn’t matter what I thought. That my opinion was less important than anyone else’s. It seemed as if I was always living someone else’s life.

Finally, after two major brain seizures caused by a suicide attempt, I stopped living someone else’s life and looked deep within…

Someone Else’s Life

I was the child who was “too young to understand things” and therefore to make decisions. My life was run by the grown ups, who weren’t able to see the serious damage caused by the primitive belief such as; “children should be seen but not heard.” Then later, I became an young adult, clinging to any guy who’d find anything whatsoever appealing in me. At that time my looks seemed to have the only value in the eyes of others.

I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t who I am. I was a “slave” to anyone who was willing to have me in their life. The fear of rejection always steered my thoughts into the direction that led others to benefit from it more than I did.

How tiring was that!? How exhausting it is having to constantly put others before your own self! And how little reward you get at the end of it…

All this, so you can can keep deluding yourself that someone cares about you, at least enough to stick around. For a while, at least… ’til they get tired of it.

Then what do you do when the inevitable happens and when they leave? You blame yourself, of course. Consciously, or subconsciously, your already low self-esteem gets reinforced. It spirals downward in a lightening speed and you get even more depressed, thinking that there is no tomorrow for you…

Well, there is. And it’s a bright one, too!

You’ve heard the phrase: “You teach people how to treat you” but you’ve ignored it so far. Maybe because when you did try to stand up for yourself it always seemed to have back fired. You might even had finally snapped and told others to fuck off, which they deserved to hear, only to find yourself being labeled as too aggressive and not “lady-like.”

Well dear, who the f**k gives a damn? Who cares what others think and, or say? Let me just remind you – it shouldn’t be you. There is only one person in this entire world whose opinion should matter to you, and that is YOU and you ONLY.

There is only one person in this entire Universe that needs your pleasing, and that person is you.

There is only one person who needs your caring the most, and yes, you’ve guessed it –  it’s you again.

Being Too Nice Can Contribute to Depression - Alexander Pope quote (Difference Vice Virtue)

Just remember this: if you care too much – others will care too little… If you remain too available – others will always remain too busy for you. Without even being apologetic about it, people will always make you wait for them, making you feel as if your time is not nearly as valuable as theirs. You get the picture…

You will encounter resistance from those around you when you start making those long-overdue changes, but that’s OK. Have fun with it. See that sense of amusement on their faces and that sense of disbelief… Stare back at them without blinking.

Be prepared to deal with the consequences of having the courage to do what’s right for you. In your mind let go of the fear of not having that job in case your boss decides to fire you. Maybe it means it’s time to do something else for a living.

Be ready to let go of your significant other if s/he continues to refuse to treat you in a new, more loving and respectful way.

Make yourself OK with being alone for now. Make yourself comfortable with being with… YOU. Get to know yourself. Find out exactly what your needs and desires are and then become unstoppable in fulfilling them! Be selfish. You’ve been accused of it so many times before, now it’s time for you to show others (and yourself) how selfish you can really be! Show them that you mean business… :)

Renounce the guilt. Let go of it. Completely. It’s time to release it.

Be your number one. Be bold. Be spontaneous. Learn to be yourself in every situation and around everyone.

This is how you start to love yourself…

 

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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Creating A Life You Love & Finding The Love Of Your Life

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Written By  Anna Rodgers
From Collective Evolution

Is Now The Time To Create LOVE?

Have you lost hope in finding love? Did your parents get divorced, fight all the time, and/or never teach you how to love well? Do you keep going for the wrong guy? Are you successful and thriving in business but ignoring your heart’s desire for a relationship? Do you still carry the programming from the past – of unhealthy connection and disconnection?

My friend Natalie Lamb, relationships expert, posed this question to singles on Facebook: “What’s blocking you from love?”

The answers she got had me in tears. I realized so many people had lost hope. They didn’t believe they could find a great relationship! They lived in fear and in pain, with no idea how to clear that negativity and move on.

So I reached out to Julie – there is no one who has a story like hers! She went from a broken family and dysfunctional relationships to finding a glorious love that is BETTER than she ever could have imagined. I asked her to share her story so others could hear how she turned her life around – from bankruptcy and worthlessness to adventure and love.

Listen to Julie’s inspiring story. If you’ve reached the point where you know you want love and want support in creating it – send me an email and we can find a time to have a quick chat. I’m about to start running the course, “Living a Life you Love, Loving Yourself, and Finding the Love of Your Life,” which I mention in the video. Let’s see if it’s right for you: natalie(at)natalielamb.com

About Natalie Lamb
Natalie Lamb is passionate about healing the past, and gifting people the experience of Love. She has a degree in Psychology, and a Masters in Integral Theory. She’s trained as a relationship coach for singles to learn how to love and couples how to thrive in love. She’s a Family Focused Attachment Therapist who helps those who’ve been treated like they don’t matter, abused, abandoned, or had alcoholic parents. She believes that when we learn to love ourselves and others beautifully our lives function in all areas: health, wealth, purpose, intimacy, and happiness.

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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8 Ways to Forgive and Forget

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Written By  Karen Salmansohn
From
Oprah

Thoughtful woman aloneLetting go of anger and bitterness can work wonders for both your attitude and your health, not to mention your relationships. Karen Salmansohn offers you eight ways to start forgiving and forgetting.

A wise woman and her young disciple were walking down the street. Suddenly, out of nowhere, an angry man in a carriage drove haphazardly by the two, insensitively pushing the woman out of his way. She landed in a ditch filled with muddy water. The woman yelled after the man in the carriage, “May you have everything you want!” The disciple, surprised by the wise woman’s response, said: “I’m confused. Why did you say that to a man with such horrible behavior?” The woman replied, “Because a happy man wouldn’t have thoughtlessly pushed a woman into a ditch.”

Do you agree with this woman’s response? In my book The Bounce Back Book, I offer empowering strategies for embracing forgiveness and liberating yourself from anger and bitterness—even in the most challenging situations.

Here are eight strategies to free you from your resentments starting today!

Say a Prayer
Whenever angry feelings about a person who’s harmed you enter your mind, tell yourself: “We are all good, loving souls who occasionally get lost.” Pray for this person to find their way back to a happier place—in the same way the woman in this story prayed for her offender.

Focus on Gratitude
Resist seeking happiness from the outside in. Instead, focus on gratitude exercises to bring happiness from the inside out. If you allow your self-image to be at the mercy of unpredictable events and unreliable people, your happiness will be forever on a chaotic roller coaster ride! Happiness must always be an inside joy! When you are tempted to focus on all the ways the world has done you wrong, instead count your blessings by making a list of the five aspects of your life that you appreciate. It is good practice to purposefully end your day this way to keep focused.

Look for the Lesson
Many Buddhists consider huge difficulties to be a sign you’re an old soul—the bigger your misfortunes, the closer you are to enlightenment. Whether you believe this or not, it’s certainly cheery to reframe all your life’s bad events as tests of your character. If you feel particularly tested right now, ask yourself what the heck you’re being tested for! Patience? Compassion? Resilience? Forgiveness? Open-mindedness? What strengths must you develop further? Now consciously go out there and develop them!

Couple on beachMaintain Perspective
If you’re going through a challenging time, remind yourself that this specific event is merely a part of your life—not your “whole” life. Consciously keep this “slice of life” perspective, and don’t let the event overwhelm you. As the song goes, “The best is yet to come!”

Learn the Lesson
Develop a “student not victim” mentality. Vow not only to disentangle yourself from emotionally harmful situations, but also to consciously avoid similar situations in the future.

Let Go of Resentment
Keep in mind a fabulous Carrie Fisher quote: “Resentment is the poison you swallow hoping the other person will die.” Recognize that when you resent someone, you are not only hurting yourself, you’re also giving this person control of your emotions—and you don’t want to give this person bubkes!

Stay Centered
Recognize that when you respond with hate to hate, anger to anger, bitterness to bitterness, you are ironically becoming part of the problem. Choose to resist becoming like them and instead put in the conscious effort to remain a loving, soulful, happy person.

Get Revenge Positively
Contemplating revenge? The best kind of revenge is living a successful, happy life. If you train yourself to consistently be more loving in thoughts and actions, your energy will attract more positive people and positive results. As Albert Einstein said, “You can’t solve a problem by staying in the same energy in which it was created.” To stay focused on highly positive thoughts, repeat this meditation ritual throughout the day: “Love, forgiveness, letting go, peace.”

 

Image Sources: All Inclusive Ministries, Thinkstock/Soul

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Check out my best selling Amazon book: WHY-DENTITY:17 Practices to Help You Transform Your Mind and Live Your Life’s Purpose – GET IT HERE

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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8 Things to Remember When Your Relationship Gets Rough

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8 Relationship Lessons it’s Never too Late to Learn

 

Written By  Angel Chernoff
From Marc & Angel Hack Life

There is a purpose for everyone you will ever meet.  Some will test you, some will teach you, and some will bring out the very best in you.

You never know when life is about to teach you a new lesson.  You simply can’t plan for it.  Some lessons just seem to sneak up on you when you least expect them.  This is especially true when it comes to relationships.  There have been times in my personal and professional relationships when I wish a lesson had come a bit earlier, to save me from heartache and the wasted time and energy of learning things the hard way.

That being said, I am grateful for every lesson my relationships have taught me over the years because I am now better equipped to deal with rough patches when they arise.  And that’s exactly what I want cover with you today – eight things I’ve learned to keep in mind when a relationship gets rough.  These aren’t solutions to specific problems, but rather simple reminders that will help you look at many common relationship problems more objectively.

1.  Every one of us is struggling in some way.

It’s impossible to know exactly how another person is feeling or what kind of emotional battles they’re fighting.  Sometimes the widest smiles hide the thinnest strands of self-confidence and hope.  Sometimes the ‘rich’ have everything but happiness.  Realize this as you interact with others, long before you pass judgment.  Every smile or sign of strength hides an inner struggle every bit as complex and extraordinary as your own.

It’s a sage fact of life, really, that every one of us encompasses a profound and unique set of secrets and mysteries that are absolutely undetectable to everyone else, including those closest to us.

2.  Some people will put you down no matter what you do.

Yes, there will be those who are critical of you regardless of what you do or how well you do it.  If you say you want to be a dancer, they will discredit your rhythm.  If you say you want to build a new business, they will give you a dozen reasons why it might not work.  They somehow assume you don’t have what it takes, but they are dead wrong.

Do not engage deeply in a relationship that is holding you back, day in and day out.

It’s a lot easier to be negative than positive – a lot easier to be critical than correct.  When you’re embarking on a new venture, instead of listening to the few critics that will try to discredit you, spend time talking to one of the millions of people in this world who are willing to support your efforts and acknowledge your potential.  (Read Emotional Vampires.)

3.  Resentment only hurts its holder.

Holding a resentful grudge is like drinking toxic venom and waiting for the other person to grow ill.  It’s an exercise in futility.  And just as toxic venom is to the human body, so is resentment to the human spirit – even one tiny bit is bad for you.

Don’t magnify life’s difficulties by filling your mind with resentment.  Instead, ease your burdens by choosing to let them go.  If you feel resentful feelings starting to take hold, stop and consider the fact that there’s nothing to be gained by bringing yourself down over what has already happened.

Let today be the day you stop letting the ghosts of yesterday haunt you.  Let today be the day you stop poisoning yourself with needless hatred.  Forget about getting even with someone who hurt you, and instead get even with those who have helped.

4.  Forgiveness is the only path to peace of mind.

When someone has hurt you it’s hard to be peaceful.  But you do it anyway because you know peace is the only battle worth waging.  Peace is beautiful; it is the manifestation of your love and the best resolution for a brighter future.

Being peaceful is hard sometimes – much harder than being angry and vengeful.  It requires you to stay calm and let go of the pain.  It requires you to forgive and move on.  Of course, you don’t do these things just for the person who has hurt you, but for your own well-being.

5.  True love is real and worth working for.

Whether it’s a friendship or an intimate relationship, when someone loves you, you know it.  When they look your way, the world looks better.  When they say your name, the world sounds better.  When they touch your skin, the world feels better.  You know your soul is safe in their care.

But even more so than any physical interaction, there’s a silent connection between you that you can feel in your veins.  You can sit in front of them for hours, without saying a word or moving a muscle, and yet still feel them with your heart.  It’s almost like they’ve always been a part of you – like a long lost fragment of your essence has found its way home.

It’s important to note though, that you learn about this kind of love slowly as a relationship grows.  It’s not something you realize all at once.  It’s about how two people treat each other, respect each other, and work together over a prolonged period, through good times and bad.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)

6.  It is our imperfections that ultimately attract us to each other.

If you’re still searching for the perfect partner or friendship, stop.  There’s no such thing.  There are only different flavors of imperfect ones.  In fact, you are just as imperfect as the partner or friend you seek.  You simply need to find someone whose imperfections complement your own.

This process doesn’t happen overnight.

It takes a lot of living to grow into the realization of your own imperfections.  It takes lots of life experience before you bump into your deepest inner demons, your greatest flaws, and all the idiosyncrasies that make you, YOU.  And it’s only after you meet these imperfect parts of yourself that you know who you are looking for – someone whose scars and flaws fit your own – someone who’s imperfect in the perfect way for you.

7.  We all bring positivity and negativity into our relationships.

Be careful not to continuously doubt the positives of your partner (or friend) and then ignore your own negative behavior.  You likely do this more often than you think.  For instance, you will say to your partner dozens of times:  Do you really love me?  Are you sure?  And ask similar questions that doubt the existence of their love.  But you will rarely ask:  Does this upset you?  Are you sure?  And similar questions that have the potential to resolve conflict before it starts.

This imbalance creates tension on both sides of the equation.  The positive things become more burdensome while the negatives fester in the background, unresolved.  Bottom line:  Have faith in the positives as you work on turning the negatives around, or simply accepting them.

8.  Spending time alone is necessary.

Relationships with others are important, but you need alone time sometimes, because when you’re in solitude you’re free from obligations and external pressures.  You’re free to be YOU without being fancy and putting on a show.  You’re able to hear your own thoughts and follow through with them, sincerely.

Go ahead and find a quiet place.  Stretch your boundaries.  Explore places you’ve never been.  Go so far away from what you know that you stop being afraid of the unfamiliar.

Cherish your time alone.  Take long walks and drives by yourself.  Watch sunsets and sunrises silently in peace.  Teach yourself something new.  Read books.  Write poetry.  Sing along to your favorite songs.  Check your instincts and follow them on your own time, without third party influence.  Decide if fitting in 24/7 is more important than discovering who you truly are and what you’re here to do.  Once you’ve got a handle on this, relationships with others get a lot easier.  (Marc and I discuss this in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

Afterthoughts

All relationships, including the one you have with yourself, require patience and work.  No meaningful relationship will work flawlessly all the time.  Being too black and white about the expectations of what should or shouldn’t happen in a relationship always spells trouble.  No matter what, there will be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good.  Instead of constantly looking for signs of what’s not working in your relationships, what you need to do is look for signs of what is.  Because, as you know, what we focus on grows.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  What do you try to keep in mind when a relationship gets rough?  Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights with the community.

 

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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10 Signs it’s Time to Let Go

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10 Signs it is Time to Let Go

 

Written By Marc Chernoff
From
Marc & Angel Hack Life

Holding on is being brave, but letting go and moving on is often what makes us stronger and happier.

Here are ten signs it’s time to let go:

1. Someone expects you to be someone you’re not. – Don’t change who you are for anyone else.  It’s wiser to lose someone over being who you are, than to keep them by being someone you’re not.  Because it’s easier to mend a broken heart, than it is to piece together a shattered identity.  It’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be.

2. A person’s actions don’t match their words. – Everybody deserves somebody who helps them look forward to tomorrow.  If someone has the opposite effect on you, because they are consistently inconsistent and their actions don’t match up with their words, it’s time to let them go.  It’s always better to be alone than to be in bad company.  True friendship is a promise made in the heart – silent, unwritten, unbreakable by distance, and unchangeable by time.  Don’t listen to what people say; watch what they do.  Your true friends will slowly reveal themselves over time.

3. You catch yourself forcing someone to love you. – Let us keep in mind that we can’t force anyone to love us.  We shouldn’t beg someone to stay when they want to leave.  That’s what love is all about – freedom.  However, the end of love is not the end of life.  It should be the beginning of an understanding that love sometimes leaves for a reason, but never leaves without a lesson.  If someone truly loves you, they will never give you a reason to doubt it.  Anyone can come into your life and say how much they love you, but it takes someone really special to stay in your life and prove how much they love you.  Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right person, but the right person is always worth the wait.  Read The Road Less Traveled.

4. An intimate relationship is based strictly on physical attraction. – Being beautiful is more than how many people you can get to look at you, or how others perceive you at a single glance.  It’s about what you live for.  It’s about what defines you.  It’s about the depth of your heart, and what makes you unique.  It’s about being who you are and living out your life honestly.  It’s about those little quirks that make you, you.  People who are only attracted to you because of your pretty face or nice body won’t stay by your side forever.  But the people who can see how beautiful your heart is will never leave you.

5. Someone continuously breaks your trust. – Love means giving someone the chance to hurt you, but trusting them not to.  When you completely trust a person, without any doubt, you’ll automatically get one of two results – a FRIEND for life or a LESSON for life.  Either way there’s a positive outcome.  Either you confirm the fact that this person cares about you, or you get the opportunity to weed them out of your life and make room for those who do.  In the end you’ll discover who’s fake, who’s true, and who would risk it all for you.  And trust me, some people will totally surprise you.

6. Someone continuously overlooks your worth.Know your worth!  When you give yourself to someone who doesn’t respect you, you surrender pieces of your soul that you’ll never get back.  There comes a point when you have to let go and stop chasing some people.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll find a way to put you there.  Sometimes you just need to let go and accept the fact that they don’t care for you the way you care for them.  Let them leave your life quietly.  Letting go is oftentimes easier than holding on.  We think it’s too hard to let go, until we actually do.  Then we ask ourselves, “Why didn’t I do this sooner?”

7. You are never given a chance to speak your mind. – Sometimes an argument saves a relationship, whereas silence breaks it.  Speak up for your heart so that you won’t have regrets.  Life is not about making others happy.  Life is about being honest and sharing your happiness with others.

8. You are frequently forced to sacrifice your happiness. – If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will be out of balance and in the negative before you know it.  Know when to close the account.  It’s always better to be alone with dignity than in a relationship that constantly requires you to sacrifice your happiness and self-respect.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.

9. You truly dislike your current situation, routine, job, etc. – It’s better to be a failure at something you love than to succeed at doing something you hate.  Don’t let someone who gave up on their dreams talk you out of going after yours.  The best thing you can do in life is follow your heart.  Take risks.  Don’t just make the safe and easy choices because you’re afraid of what might happen.  If you do, nothing will ever happen.  Chances must be taken, mistakes must be made, and lessons must be learned.  It might be an uphill climb, but when you reach that mountaintop it will be worth every ounce of blood, sweat and tears you put into it.

10. You catch yourself obsessing over, and living in, the past. – Eventually you will overcome the heartache, and forget the reasons you cried, and who caused the pain.  Eventually you will realize that the secret to happiness and freedom is not about control or revenge, but in letting things unfold naturally, and learning from your experiences over the course of time.  After all, what matters most is not the first, but the final chapter of your life, which unveils the details of how well you wrote your story.  So let go of the past, set yourself free, and open your mind to the possibility of new relationships and priceless experiences.  Read The Power of Now.

And the one thing you should never let go of is hope.  Remember what you deserve and keep pushing forward.  Someday all the pieces will come together.  Unimaginably good things will transpire in your life, even if everything doesn’t turn out exactly the way you had anticipated.  And you will look back at the times that have passed, smile, and ask yourself, “How did I get through all of that?”

 

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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If You’re Feeling These 15 Things, You’re In A Dead End Relationship

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dead end Are you wasting your time?

 

Article Source: Your Tango

Relationships usually begin with high hopes and bright expectations. The key is to not waste precious time hanging onto one that is bringing up more and more question marks. Here are signs that you’re sticking with a dead-end relationship, and it might be time to move on:

1. You have more confusion than clarity. 

Time should bring important insights into your relationship, so it’s a red flag if you are more confused now than you were weeks or months ago.

2. Initial attraction hasn’t led to a lasting bond. 

Being attracted to external qualities—a nice smile, a quick wit, a confident demeanor—can hold a couple together for only so long. A romance that flames out quickly might be due to a strong physical attraction with little else to feed it.

3. Your desire for “space” is increasing. 

Everyone needs individual time—that’s normal and natural. But if “me time” has become much more appealing than “us time,” consider this a clear warning sign.

4. You work hard to improve the relationship, but the other person is not making the same effort.

A healthy union needs two people who both carry their weight and invest equally in the partnership.

5. Time has revealed a mismatch in your values and beliefs. 

Be realistic about whether your respective lives and desires are pointing you in the same direction, or whether impossible compromises lie ahead.

6. You don’t share the same level of motivation and ambition. 

Whether these include career advancement, further education, or personal development, each partner should have clearly defined objectives and a plan to attain them.

7. You’ve noticed incidents of dishonesty and deception. 

Lies destroy a crucial component of any relationship: trust. The presence of lies and the absence of trust spell trouble.

8. One person is clingy and dependent. 

Few relationships are able to survive extreme jealousy, possessiveness, overdependence, or controlling behavior. Such actions and attitudes indicate that one or both people lack a solid emotional foundation.

9. Your partner is unrealistic about what is needed for long-term success. 

In a healthy relationship, the individuals acknowledge that nobody is perfect and there will surely be problems to address. Every relationship will require hard work and perseverance.

10. It’s become obvious that your career and financial goals are not in sync. 

Ask yourselves how you envision your standard of living, income, and vocational progress into the future.

11. You have put your own needs and ambitions on hold to concentrate more on your lover’s. 

This kind of imbalance will eventually leave you feeling resentful. A healthy relationship requires equality, with both individuals feeling valued.

12. More and more you wonder if there’s someone better suited for you. 

It’s normal to have occasional doubts and questions about the long-term prospects of your partnership, but don’t ignore the warning signs if those thoughts become increasingly frequent.

13. You don’t feel like you can be “completely yourself” with this person. 

Trying to change or conceal your true self is a big tip that this isn’t a good match.

14. You’re feeling an acute sense of “time urgency.” 

Regardless of your age, you’ve begun to think that the time you’re spending in this relationship could be better spent exploring other (better) possibilities.

15. As you look ahead, the vision of your future together is fuzzy. 

You should be able to envision your relationship five, ten, twenty years ahead with joy and clarity.

 

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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How to Forgive a Friend

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Written By Mary Elizabeth Williams
From Women’s Health

It’s hard to forgive a close friend or lover who has screwed you over. But it’s not impossible.

I’d never imagined our friendship would end, and certainly not like this. But on an otherwise ordinary afternoon, a scathing missive arrived from one of my best pals: a litany of my flaws and mistakes, along with my most mortifying secrets, amassed over the years we’d known each other and thrown back in my face.

What prompted this vicious e-mail attack? A friendship I’d struck up with someone my close friend—unbeknownst to me—had a brutal grudge against.

For days afterward, I walked around dazed, alternating between grief over our falling-out and a growing anger at her cruel words. But I didn’t realize which of the two feelings was stronger until my phone rang weeks later. Sounding humbled, she asked if we could talk.

I considered her request for all of three seconds…then hung up.

Getting Your Grudge On
In a perfect world, everyone would be high-minded enough to move past petty pals, scheming coworkers, and lyin’, cheatin’ mates. But when someone you love and trust hurts you, it’s like taking a sucker punch to your emotional six-pack.

Withholding forgiveness is a way of doling out justice and letting the other person know that his or her bad behavior has repercussions. But consider this: Forgiveness isn’t just good for your soul, it can be good for your health too. According to research that appeared in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine, people with more forgiving personalities tend to have less stress, lower blood pressure, better sleep quality, less depression, and stronger immune systems to boot. Maybe that’s because carrying a grudge is kind of like walking around with a 20-pound weight on your shoulders: The only person who is really being punished is you. “People think forgiveness is an act of kindness toward another person,” explains Marina Cantacuzino, founder and director of The Forgiveness Project, an international organization that is devoted to fostering a culture of nonretribution. “But it isn’t—you do it primarily for yourself.”

The Slow-Burn Bygone
Even so, that doesn’t mean it’s always smart to wipe the slate clean. “Painful events happen to all of us, and we can become attached to the pain and unable to move past it,” says Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of The Dance of Anger. “But letting go of the corrosive fury that’s ruining an otherwise good day does not mean you have to forgive the person who harmed you or excuse their behavior. Sure, you need to move forward, but you don’t need to forgive someone to heal.”

Psychologist Jeanne Safer, Ph.D., author of Forgiving and Not Forgiving: A New Approach to Resolving Intimate Betrayal, agrees: “It’s fine not to forgive, and if you do decide to do it, there’s no hurry.” In fact, rushing into what she calls “fake forgiveness”—that urge to wrap up an unpleasant episode ASAP—can actually lead to physical repercussions. Case in point: Research suggests a connection between repressed anger, stress, and blood pressure levels.
Who Deserves a Pardon?
Bad behavior isn’t always black and white, so how do you know when it’s wise to take the path of forgiveness? Experts say one thing to weigh is intent. What was the motive of the person who wronged you? Did she do it to hurt or embarrass you, or was she acting more out of weakness or cluelessness? Take a pal who reveals a confidence. Did she blurt out your indiscretion because she had one too many appletinis? Or did she do it intentionally to stir up some drama?

Another thing to consider: Is the other person genuinely contrite, or is he just looking to relieve his guilty conscience? Finally, how important is the person in your life? Is the mistake heinous enough to scrap years of friendship? If you believe the relationship is important enough to salvage, here are a few tricks for letting go of your grievances:

Hash it out.
Even if you’re willing to forgive the other person, you can’t truly start fresh unless you confront her. Let her know what hurt you, ask for an explanation, and get assurances that it won’t happen again. And—this is important—be sure you really are over it so you don’t end up throwing the “And what about that time…” mistake in her face during a future argument.

But first, plan it out.
Before confronting the person, you may want to write down your grievances and then enlist a friend to help you practice different ways of talking about them. At a sticky point in her life, Beliefnet blogger Therese Borchard scribbled down her feelings toward her often-absent father—basically, “a laundry list of what he did wrong”—then read it aloud to her best friend. She was then able to talk to her dad about it in a less confrontational way, which ultimately helped them mend fences and move on.

Avoid the scene of the crime.
Use an “out of sight, out of mind” strategy. “You have to walk through the fire to be done with an experience,” says Frederic Luskin, Ph.D., director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project and author of Forgive for Good. “But too many people stay in the fire. You have to get out of that grieving, miserable place.” So even if you choose to continue your relationship with the person who wronged you, avoid stuff that triggers resentment (e.g., rereading old e-mails) so you’re not constantly reliving the hurt.

Try a little empathy.
A study conducted by Cleveland’s Case Western Reserve University shows that people tend to be more forgiving when they see themselves as being capable of committing an action similar to their offender’s; it makes the offense seem smaller. “Most people who injure you have had their own bumps in the road,” says Robert Enright, Ph.D., a professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin at Madison and author of Forgiveness Is a Choice. When you begin to see the humanity on the other side, it can help you to understand—and bear—what happened.

Look at it as pain with a purpose.
Nobody signs up to get hurt, but you might as well get something out of the experience, right? “Finding meaning in how you’ve suffered—for example, realizing you stayed too long in a relationship—helps you move on, and that can be empowering,” explains Enright. “Without even realizing it, your anxiety level starts going down.”

Remember, when someone’s done something deplorable, it’s appropriate to be angry and to use caution so the same thing doesn’t happen again. But when you are able to move on, it can feel incredibly freeing.

 

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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5 Things Super-Happy Couples Do Every Day

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Written By Ty Wenger
From WebMD

Lord knows this is not the sort of thing guys brag about. But my wife and I have a ridiculously happy marriage. Really, it’s almost disgusting.

We paw each other in public. We goof around like a pair of simpletons. We basically act like giddy newlyweds in the middle of happy hour. Sometimes we’ll do something so revolting, like sitting on the couch and drawing smiley faces on the bottoms of each other’s feet, that we’re forced to make hacking, gagging noises to maintain our dignity. Actually, this happened just last week.

See, I told you it was disgusting.

It hasn’t always been this way. In fact, I’m not ashamed to admit that our current marital bliss is the result of almost a year of counseling, a desperate effort undertaken several years ago, when we appeared destined for doom. What we learned then is something all happy couples eventually discover: A good marriage is a bit like a pet boa constrictor: either you feed it every day or bad things happen. Daily habits are extremely helpful in forging solid marriages, says couples therapist Tina Tessina, author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. “If you’re really interested in making your relationship work, little rituals are a great way to do it.”

Want examples? Look no further than Tessina and her husband, Richard, who have developed an array of daily relationship builders during their 19 years of marriage: Every morning, they repeat their wedding vows to each other; they hold regular state-of-the-union meetings; and (my personal favorite) Tina routinely leaves Post-it Notes for Richard (“Hi, honey! Have a great day!”) stuck to the underside of the toilet seat (think about it).

“Every marriage has what I call a relationship reservoir, or the stored-up emotional energy of the relationship,” says Tessina. And although these daily habits are all very simple things, they help fill that reservoir. When there’s a lot of positive energy there, you give each other a little pat on the butt or say, “I’m so glad I’m sharing my life with you,” and you’re storing it up. Then when the relationship is under stress, you’ll have the energy you need to get through.

We asked happy couples across the United States to tell us about marriage-strengthening solutions they’ve developed. Try your hand at incorporating a few into your daily life and maybe you can be as ridiculously, embarrassingly, revoltingly happily married as I am.

Want to know the one thing that’s most important to a successful marriage? That’s easy. Walk up to your husband and surprise him with this one-question relationship quiz:

You: “Honey, what do you think is the one thing most important to a successful marriage?”

Him: “Umm, uh did you say something?”

And, well, there you have it.

Happily married couples typically say their relationships work better when they can sit down and gab one-on-one, like thinking, feeling adults. But who’s got time for that? Actually, anybody who sleeps at night, if you follow the lead of Julie and Thom and their nightly visits to their “igloo.”

“It all started one winter night years ago, when Julie had had a really bad day,” says Thom, 33, a marketing director in Columbus, Ohio. “We were huddled under the covers of our bed, and Julie was describing how all the people who made her day miserable were ‘bad polar bears’ and how she didn’t want any of the bad polar bears coming into the bedroom and how the bed was our refuge from them. You realize how embarrassing it is to admit this, right? Anyway, that’s when we started calling the bed the igloo.”

“The igloo is a place to retreat to,” says Julie, 31. “It’s our little sanctuary; only nice things happen in the igloo.”

Eventually Julie and Thom began holding a powwow in the igloo at the end of every day, making a nightly excursion that Julie says has become a vital part of their five-year marriage.

“It’s funny, because I always thought that when you lived with somebody, you’d automatically know everything that was going on,” she says. “But we find that if we don’t take that time to connect with each other, it’s really easy for life to get in the way. The igloo offers one of the few times in the day where there’s not a whole heck of a lot else going on, so you’re able to focus on each other in a deeper way.”

Of course, you don’t need to christen major pieces of furniture with cute nicknames to improve the communication in your marriage. You simply have to set aside a few minutes every day to remind each other of why you got married in the first place. And there are as many ways to do that as there are marriages in America.

Lori and Joe, who are happily married in Philadelphia, have a nightly ritual they call crook time. That’s when Lori cuddles up in the “crook” of Joe’s shoulder and they talk. “The name’s a little sappy,” Lori admits, “but it’s always a nice way for us to catch up.”

Every night, Angie and Bob walk their pet Chihuahua, Chachi, through the streets of Brookline, Massachusetts. In addition to keeping Chachi from picking dogfights he could never win (“He has a bit of a Napoleon complex,” Bob says), they use the time to strengthen their 11-year marriage.

It may be going a bit far to emulate Tim and Jill, a Connecticut couple who somewhat sheepishly admit that they check in with each other from work “six, maybe seven times a day,” Tim says, “sometimes a dozen times when we’re really being crazy.” (Jill says, slightly more defiantly, “He’s just my best friend, and our marriage is a great partnership, and there’s no one I’d rather talk to.”)

Then again, if you’ve been married 10 years and still want to talk to each other 10 times a day, you must be doing something right.

Back when you were 14 years old, you probably figured that once you got married, you’d have sex just about every day. (Well, maybe teenage girls don’t think that way. But let me tell you, 14-year-old boys sure do.) And why not? Sex is free. It’s fun. And it doesn’t require the purchase of any equipment, besides the occasional bottle of vegetable oil and about 20 feet of nylon rope.

But as they get older, most couples realize that having sex every night isn’t possible, let alone a worthy goal. Indeed, a 1994 University of Chicago survey of Americans’ sexual habits found that only about a third of adults have sex more than once a week. Granted, that number might have been higher if all the couples having sex more frequently had stopped to take the surveyor’s phone call, but clearly, sex for most married couples is far from a daily reality.

That doesn’t mean, though, that you can’t at least talk sexy every day, and that’s the approach that Ed and Stephanie have taken in the more than six years they’ve been together.

“It’s funny,” says Ed, a 33-year-old San Francisco cab driver, “because we know plenty of married couples who fight, a lot, about how often they have sex. The wife’s upset because all he ever wants to do is have sex; the husband’s upset because he doesn’t think they have sex enough. But this has never really been a problem with us, and I think it has a lot do with the fact that we’re always talking sexy to each other.”

“Absolutely,” says Stephanie, a 32-year-old massage therapist. “We’re always complimenting each other, tossing out fantasies, telling each other we’re hot. He gets to feel like he can have sexual feelings, and I feel like I don’t have to have sex all the time to appear attractive.

“Let’s put it this way: The way I see it, sex is like chocolate cake. After five days of eating chocolate cake, even chocolate cake doesn’t taste that great.”

“Right,” Ed says, “but after five days of talking about chocolate cake?”

“That cake tastes damn good.”

Eavesdrop on a conversation between Bob and Angie concerning their favorite shared pastime.

“We are so disgusting. This is so pathetic. It’s like a sickness.”

“But it makes us happy!”

“It’s so stupid it makes us laugh.”

“We’re yelling at people. High-fiving each other.”

“Look, we get a kick out of it because it’s so ridiculous. It’s our guilty pleasure.”

Forgive them if they seem somewhat shy, but they’re merely ashamed to admit that the daily ritual that brings such joy to their 12-year marriage is none other than reality TV. That’s right. They lived and died with Survivor. They’ve adopted Big Brother. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? They do. Not to mention TemptationIsland, The Weakest Link, The Real World, Chains of Love, Fear Factor, The Mole (yes, really, The Mole).

“Honestly, I think we just need to be dumb for a while,” says Bob, 37, a shoe designer for Reebok in Boston. “We’re both very into our careers. And when you’re at work, with any job there’s going to be a certain amount of professional stress. You like to come home sometimes and, for that lousy hour or whatever, kick back and relax.”

Or as Angie, 36, a marketing executive, says, “Life is serious enough, isn’t it? Sometimes you need to do something stupid. And if you can’t be stupid with your husband, who can you be stupid with?

So hold on, then: Is domestic joy found in partners smothering each other in obsessive daily rituals (“Honey, don’t forget, at 7:15 we have our nightly cuddle, followed by the affirmation of our vows, our 7:35 spontaneous flirtation, and then, of course, a new episode of Moesha at eight”)?

Hardly. In fact, Tessina says that sleepwalking through a series of hollow routines (although probably an apt description of your day job) is worse for your marriage than having no routines at all. The solution, she says, is to also make a daily habit of getting away from each other.

“You know that old saying, ‘How can I miss you if you don’t go away?'” Tessina asks. “Doing things separately gives you a chance to fill in the blanks that your partner can’t fill in for you, for example, one of you likes classical music, the other one likes sports. Plus, taking a break from each other gives you more things to talk about, because when you’re joined at the hip, what’s to talk about? You’ve already seen it all.”

The point, naturally, is not to make space for each other in that I-can’t-wait-to-get-away-from-you sort of way but to pursue your own hobbies and interests. It’s a distinction that Joe tried hard to make to Lori during their delicate pre-engagement negotiations four years ago.

“As a woman, you get this message that when you get married, you spend every single waking second with your husband and you’re so unbelievably happy,” says Lori, 34. “And my parents actually do spend every single waking second together, and oddly enough, they are happy. So that’s how I grew up thinking you were supposed to be. But when I told him this, Joe was like, ‘I-don’t-think-so.'”

“Because I watched my parents,” says Joe, 29, whose parents divorced when he was 22, “and yeah, they spent every moment together, but they spent every moment together at each other’s throats.”

“So Joe had to convince me that having our own lives was a good idea,” Lori explains. “I’m thankful he did.”

These days Lori and Joe are practically poster children for the power of independence. Joe, who works for a nonprofit agency, spends his nights taking painting classes, building youth centers, and recording his guitar sessions. Lori, a college professor, spends hers directing community-theater musicals and indulging in trashy movies on cable television, a passion that Joe (go figure) doesn’t seem to share.

“It all brings a freshness to our marriage because we both continue to grow as people,” Joe says.

“Plus,” says Lori, “getting out of the house and out of each other’s hair keeps us from going crazy.”

And — we asked the experts, so we know — going crazy is definitely not one of the secrets of a happy marriage.

In another University of Chicago survey, this one of married couples, 75 percent of the Americans who pray with their spouses reported that their marriages are “very happy” (compared to 57 percent of those who don’t). Those who pray together are also more likely to say they respect each other, discuss their marriage together, and — stop the presses — rate their spouses as skilled lovers.

Not to say that prayer is a cure for all that ails you (were that the case, my beloved Oakland Raiders would have won the Super Bowl years ago). But whether they’re talking about a simple grace at dinnertime or some soul-searching meditation, couples routinely say that a shared spiritual life helps keep them close. And as Doug and Beth say, even couples who are on different sides of the theological fence can benefit from praying together daily.

“We have been married for seven years, but praying together is something we didn’t start doing until about a year ago,” says Doug, a 32-year-old Salt Lake City biochemist. “In the past, whenever we faced big decisions, we’d have discussion after discussion about them, but we’d never really come to a resolution.”

After two 1,000-mile moves, the birth of three children, and two job changes, all in the past four years, those difficult decisions had begun to take a toll. So when Beth asked Doug, a nonreligious and self-proclaimed man of science, to try praying with her, he figured they had nothing to lose.

“I soon found that praying together brings out a real sense of selflessness and humility,” Doug says. “When you’re praying for each other, not yourself, you’re focused together and speaking from the heart on a whole different level. I would never have predicted this for us, but it really works.”

“As bad as any problem may seem at that moment,” agrees Beth, “prayer always helps us see beyond it. It doesn’t have to be a long-drawn-out scripture reading, just a few minutes a day. When we pray, it brings another level of honesty to our conversations. I think it’s the most intimate thing you can do with another person.”

Now they pray together every night, once the “urchins” are in bed, which puts them in the company of the 32 percent of American married couples who say they pray together regularly. It also puts them in the company of Julie and Thom, when the other couple isn’t holed up in their igloo, of course.

“It’s pretty short and not at all scripted,” says Julie about their giving thanks before each meal. “We just join hands and let it rip. Whether we’re asking for forgiveness or giving thanks, saying it out loud holds a lot of power.

“Besides, regardless of religion or spiritual preference, I think that most marriages require a ton of faith,” Julie sums up. “You’ve got to believe that somehow the two of you are going to make it through things. You’ve got to believe that you’re being blessed with this person. And even if the power we feel just comes from the strength of our love, even if we don’t believe that it’s God who is helping us, I still think that it’s good to acknowledge that there’s a force between the two of us that’s helping us out.”

 

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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The Biology of a Broken Heart—and How to Bounce Back

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Written By Laura Schwecherl
From Greatist

Many of us have been there: hearing the words, “It’s not you, it’s me,” or, “Maybe we should just be friends.” Others have dealt with the death of a loved one or role model. And while each end to a relationship is unique (to be sure, a breakup and a lost life are drastically different experiences), one feeling is common: heartbreak. Unfortunately no Band-Aid can heal this one.

Heartbreak Really Does Hurt—The Need-to-Know

Heartbreak is a term used to describe crushing grief, anguish, and distress, often due to the pains and strains of love. The experience of heartbreak can be so intense that some scientists suggest it feels the same as physical pain. In one study, people showed similar brain activity when they viewed a photo of a former love and when they felt extreme heat on their arm.

Heartbreak can be so intense that some scientists suggest it feels the same as physical pain.

In fact, it might even be true that people can die of a broken heart. Early bereavement (the period of mourning after a death) is associated with increased blood pressure and heart rate, which can raise cardiovascular risk . Another study of people who recently lost their spouse found the stress involved with mourning upped the risk of dying from a heart attack by 20 to 35 percent. Looks like heartbreak really can hurt the human heart.

Your Action Plan

As studies confirm the biological basis to love, there may eventually be a treatment for heartbreak. Until then, follow these basic techniques for coping with the pain of a lost love. We reached out to Athena Staik, Ph.D., LMFT and Julie S. Lerner, Psy.D. for professional advice on mending a broken heart.

The Takeaway

There’s no denying the pain of a broken heart, but luckily there are ways to cope with one. Whether you’re going through a breakup or grieving the loss of a loved one, honesty, compassion, social support, and self-care can go a long way toward easing the pain.

 

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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How to Deal—and Heal—When a Friend Breaks Up With You

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Written By Katherine Schreiber
From Greatist

Maybe it starts with you seeing less of your friend. Then suddenly they aren’t calling you back as often, you’re always the one asking to hang out, and they don’t confide in you like they used to.

Or maybe you had a blowout fight and some harsh truths were spoken. You’ve always patched things up before, but this time you’re staring at your phone after sending an apology text and there’s nothing but silence.

Next thing you know, you haven’t heard from your friend in months. You’d like to confront them, but what would you say? It’s clear the friendship has expired and your former pal is not interested in reviving it.

Welcome to the brutal reality of friend breakups.

4 Common Causes of a Friend Breakup

1. The Irreparable Wrong

Epic arguments or disagreements can dissolve a friendship. Major or repeated breeches of trust—the most egregious: hooking up with a friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend—or huge disappointments, like bailing on a friend’s nuptials when you’re in the wedding party, can destroy what was once a close-knit bond. But it doesn’t have to be something seemingly big; a friend might explode when she’s fed up with you cancelling plans time and again.

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2. The Slow Drift

According to experts, it’s not always the enormous wrongs that cause irreparable inter-pal ruptures. “The most common reason friends break up,” says psychologist Irene Levine, Ph.D., author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, “is that they simply drift apart, with one or both friends not having enough interest or energy to keep the friendship together. One of them may be more self-involved, have less of a need for companionship, or have less time for friends.”

3. The Life Change

Shifting from one phase of life to another can impact a friendship. The transition from college to adulthood, for example, can slowly drive a wedge between undergrad buds—much like graduating from high school may have disconnected you from a homeroom BFF. One friend might move far away from a former confidant and lose touch. Or each pal may get absorbed by new careers or romantic relationships (often, both). Becoming a parent can further eat into the time each friend has to devote to one another.

4. The Communication Gap

Differences in communication styles, which often become more apparent as each friend grows into adulthood, are another common cause for buddies breaking it off. Often one friend may be more of the smothering type, overwhelming the other with text messages, calls, or emails, explains Liz Pryor, author of What Did I Do Wrong? What to Do When You Don’t Know Why the Friendship Is Over. Few of us like to be suffocated, so if the smotherer doesn’t relent, the overwhelmed friend ends up pulling back or cuts off correspondence entirely just to get some breathing room.

“Friendships are voluntary relationships that have to be reciprocal,” Levine adds. “If one person wants more of a relationship than the other, it rarely works.”


Post-Breakup: Give Yourself Time

No matter how innocuous the reasons are for a former friend falling off the face of the earth, losing them is still incredibly painful—sometimes equally (if not more) painful than breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend.

“We get flowers and sympathy when we breakup with a romantic partner, but not when we breakup with a friend,” Pyror says. “Friend breakups tend to go unacknowledged, which can contribute to why people suffer so much from them. When the public response is ‘Eh, it happens,’ you feel like you shouldn’t be mourning as much as you are.”

The closer you were to the friend you broke up with, the more you’re going to hurt. So give yourself adequate grieving time. Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist who’s helped many individuals mourn the loss of a BFF, recommends a minimum of six weeks. “Time can bring clarity,” Durvasula says.

In the interim, make yourself a priority, she adds. Get adequate sleep, stick to your usual routine, and, hard as it is, avoid social media. “It’s petty to launch diatribes in those public spaces, and it can be painful to be blocked or to see new things in your friend’s life that you aren’t a part of,” Durvasula explains. Instead, reap the benefits of unplugging and resetting.

Don’t get down on yourself if you find that you need more time. It’s not uncommon to ruminate over how unfair it is that your friend left your duo act. Nor is it weird to keep wondering what you did wrong and how you might have been able to change things. But if your bud really is done with the friendship (We know: harsh), then you need to find closure so you can move on.

Pryor suggests writing a letter to your former friend. (You don’t have to send it.) Avoid using it as an itemization of accusations. Rather, embrace it as an opportunity to confirm, once and for all, that things are over. If you really don’t know why you were broken up with, acknowledge that. For example: “I have no idea what’s going on. My heart hurts. I thought I would reach out to you and make closure and admit we are no longer friends.” But if you have a hunch you’ve done something wrong, acknowledge and own that: “I’m sorry about my part in our conflict, and I’ll miss you, but it’s clear it’s time for us to move on.”

Try not to disavow all the good times you and your former friend had. “Just because a friendship ends doesn’t mean that negates what came before,” Levine says.

And if things are really debilitating, talk with a mental health professional for more focused guidance and support, Durvasula recommends.

New Friends at Lunch

Become an Even More Awesome Friend

The end of a relationship can be a call to examine what types of people you’re just not compatible with, what you may be doing that upsets others, or what kind of company you’re attracting—and whether you want things to remain that way.

“If similar problems recur across different relationships, you need to dig deeper to find out what role you’ve played in these breakups, Levine says.”

If you’ve noticed a troublesome pattern but you’re drawing a giant question mark on how to tweak it for the better, call in the professionals. A few sessions with a therapist can help you step outside the situation and assess how to protect yourself from future friendship drama.

That’s important because once you’ve come to terms with the loss of your former bud, you’ll realize that the fade out of one friend in your life leaves room for a new one to fade in. Take a look at your options. There’s likely an acquaintance in your midst whose friendship you can take to a deeper level now that you’ve got more time and energy to devote to others.

The Takeaway

You and your pal may have been BFFs, but in truth “most friendships change, and they rarely last forever,” Levine says. Consider if this was this the type of person you wanted to be friends with anyway. If so, what might you do differently in future relationships? Own whatever misdeeds you think you’ve done (without beating yourself up too much), and don’t lose sight of the good times you had. Take this as an opportunity to learn and use the insights that you gain in future friendships that await.

 

Image Source: Huffington Post

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.