All posts in “self help”

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How to Find Real, Lasting Love Without Looking for It

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Couple in Hawaii

 

Written By Astra Niedra
From Tiny Buddha

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” ~Carl Jung

Often when people want a new relationship, they either look for someone to complete them or they imagine sharing their life with someone just like them. So they try to present themselves in the best possible light for their imagined future partner—either as one perfect half of a whole or as an ideal version of what they believe their future partner will want.

In my experience, finding your soul mate requires a different, far more soul-enriching approach. Here are six steps that worked for me:

1. Stop looking for your soul mate and find the missing parts of you.

This may sound counterintuitive, but it’s exactly how I met my husband. I stopped looking for “the one” after a two-year relationship ended, which I had believed was the one. I decided to turn my attention inward—to get to know and accept myself, to heal past wounds, and to explore and develop new parts of myself.

Previously, I needed to be with someone in order to feel content, to have someone love me in order to feel loved. Breaking up with past boyfriends was so painful because it felt as if I was breaking up, as if I was being torn from a part of myself.

What I discovered was that I had to learn to be whole. And when I started to work on that, my life changed.

2. Live your life as you want to live it.

When I started to discover more about myself and to follow my own path, I started to live a life that was meaningful to me. I was no longer following someone else’s rules and ideas about what I should do.

This can disappoint some people close to you, such as your family. But if you want to find fulfillment in your life, you have to fulfill yourself, not someone else!

And doing what is right for you means you will be in places, jobs, and near people that are aligned with your life path, and with you. So you will have a much better chance of meeting your soul mate, because your soul mate will also be connected to your life path.

3. Stop trying to appeal to an imagined, potential partner.

A side effect of leading the life you choose is that you automatically become more attractive. You become more real, authentic, substantial, valuable, passionate, happy, and present. This makes you more beautiful in a natural and effortless way, and it will also make you attractive to your soul mate.

Whereas when you try to make yourself attractive in order to find someone, you alter the way you behave and present yourself so that if your soul mate were to show up, he or she might not even recognize you.

So just be yourself, whether that means you dress in corporate attire or resort wear, or casual clothing or more formal, or if your preference changes at different times.

You don’t need to be a particular weight or have large biceps or wear uncomfortable shoes if you don’t like them. Go to the gym only if you love it, do yoga if you love it, walk or surf or cycle if you enjoy those activities.

A partner who you will be with over the long term will not make a decision about your worth based on a superficial aspect of your appearance. So tap into what feels right for you, do the activities you enjoy, wear the clothes that suit you and in which you feel comfortable.

You will be far more attractive to your soul mate if you look like yourself when you meet them.

4. If you are attracted to particular qualities in someone else, find or develop those qualities in yourself.

Most of us express only a small part of who we are. We limit ourselves to the personality—or self—we have become in response to our childhood environment. This is an unavoidable stage in our developmental process because we have to form a self—or ego—that enables us to survive and hopefully thrive in our family and social setting.

And the way we do that is by developing characteristics that meet our survival needs and pushing away any characteristics that aren’t valued or needed.

So we all have hidden or disowned parts of ourselves that at some point we need to unearth.

When we haven’t yet unearthed and embraced our disowned parts, we are drawn into relationships with others who express those parts. It is like we are unconsciously trying to complete ourselves through our relationships.

These relationships usually involve intense attraction at first and are characterized by feelings of completeness. But inevitably, they become stifled by strong relationship patterns that form where people get stuck relating to one another from one main part of themselves that bonds with its opposite in the other person. These are called bonding patterns.”

So, for example, a very responsible man might become a “responsible father” in relation to his partner’s inner “pleasing daughter,” and a nurturing woman might become a “nurturing mother” to her partner’s inner “needy son.”

If the woman doesn’t become conscious of her own responsibility, she will rely on her partner to be responsible. And if the man doesn’t connect with his nurturing side, he will want to be nurtured by her. But then when stresses and vulnerabilities arise in the relationship, these bonding patterns turn negative, and the partners turn on each other.

I am so grateful to have learned about bonding patterns because the awareness of them not only helps enormously in my relationship, but they also act as a guide for which parts of myself I have lost connection to.

Because bonding patterns are the natural way that we give and receive love, they are unavoidable. And no matter how conscious we become, there is always something that’s unconscious! But bonding patterns can be navigated successfully.

When you become aware that you are attracted to other people because of what you have disowned in yourself, and then work on owning those qualities in yourself, your relationships transform. I

If you are in a relationship already and you begin this process, then as you and your partner reclaim your disowned selves, you start to become more fully yourselves with each other and your relationship will become richer.

5. Engage with life; accept the gifts that are offered to you.

The night I met my husband a friend had invited me to a party hosted by one of her friends, and at first I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go.

I was tempted to decline the invitation because I didn’t know the person whose party it was, and it was a Sunday night, so I had work the next day. But I didn’t have a compelling reason not to go and I had promised myself that I would accept the gifts life offered me, such as saying yes to invitations that seemed to come from nowhere. And this was one of those.

When I got to that party, there he was: my future husband, with whom I have had three children and twenty-five years of a wonderful life together.

Was I looking for someone when I went to that party?

No. And it was a surprise to meet him there. If I had been intentionally looking for a partner, I probably would not have even spoken to my husband that night.

When you look at each person you encounter as if you are screening them for a job with a life-long contract, it changes the organic flow of events and natural connection that forms with the people you encounter. It is also off-putting to be evaluated as a “catch” and it is likely to make people run from you!

The simplest way to stop assessing others as potential life partners is to just stop looking for a partner and connect with the people you meet with genuine interest. Then enjoy the type of relationship that naturally develops—or doesn’t—whether that’s a friendship, a business connection, or a bond based on a mutual interest.

6. When you meet someone, don’t hurry things; allow the relationship to unfold.

When you meet someone you have a good connection with, allow that connection to develop and grow. If the person is a soul mate, he or she will also be into you, so if you both pay genuine attention to each other then something will develop.

There is no need to play games or to try particular seduction techniques or to achieve milestones by a particular time. A successful long-term relationship is not a game.

Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone you had to manipulate into it? Do you want your partner to be enchanted by an image you have created so that you have to hide yourself in some way? Or do you want your partner to love you wholeheartedly? What kind of relationship do you want to bring children into if you end up having them?

Each relationship is unique, just as each person is unique, so how your relationship unfolds will be unique too. You can’t plan for it to go a particular way. You have to engage with the process of it and with each other, and then make decisions as you go. There is no one line you can say, no one action you can take, that will lead to a particular result.

All you can do is live your life more fully, learn to accept and love yourself more fully, and you will love and be loved more fully.

 

Image Sources: Couple in Hawaii image via Shutterstock, Huffington Post

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say!

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Written By Banu Sekendur
From Wake Up World

Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say 1I used to be someone who didn’t keep most of her promises.

In the heat of the moment, possibly due to my excitement of the connection, I would tell the person that I would do something for them or with them, but wouldn’t follow through… most of the time. I would watch myself make promises that I knew I wasn’t willing to follow-up on, but I made them anyway! I felt like a train out of control, heading towards a major crash – I just could not stop!

The Wake-Up Call

I started feeling badly about myself as I doubted my own word. If I said, “I am going to start doing yoga again”, it felt empty inside. My words felt like lies as they dripped out of my mouth. Socially, I withdrew from people because I couldn’t face seeing them at a party or a networking event, knowing that I hadn’t delivered what I had said I would.

I hit my rock bottom when someone I liked and respected called me out on my failure to stand behind my word. By not delivering my promise, I had damaged the trust between us badly. In fact I knew that it was irreparable from the look on his face.

I needed that wake up call. The shrieking ring of this unexpected call pierced through the walls of my calcified ego pattern. Sometimes, when we’ve been stuck in a pattern for so long, a rock-bottom-type-of-experience needs to happen. One where we lose face, respect, connection, love or approval. It has to hit us on a survival level for it to open our eyes wide enough for us to see the train that is about to fly off the bridge – at full speed. I believe that is what I experienced.

My professional life as a false-promise-maker was officially over!

That night I went home and locked myself in the bedroom. I felt like crap. I thought, “If the words that comes out of my own mouth are not to be trusted, then what do I have to offer to the world?” It was the right question to ask and I was terrified of the answer. I had a good reason to be.

The Conscious Promise

It felt like a scene from a cartoon movie. All the promises I had failed to keep had turned into a snowball and had crushed me. I had gotten the message. – loud and clear – and after that experience I swore to not make promises that I can’t keep anymore.

Suddenly, I felt stronger!

This inner resolve made me feel like a good person again – one who had something to offer the planet besides her empty promises. This truth was coming deep from within my soul. It felt like gravity. Real. Unshakeable. I knew deep in my cells that the price of breaking this promise would be the costliest of all broken promises.

Now, I do my very best to keep my promises and don’t make promises I can’t keep.

It is not perfect, but the follow-up is always there. If I can’t keep it due to some unforeseen factors, then I inform the person so they don’t feel dropped and I don’t damage the trust between us. I apply this value to even my random Craigslist correspondences. People usually appreciate the follow-through and feel valued. Then I feel even better about who I am. This is a good cycle I plan to keep rolling in.

The Epiphany

I realized that it doesn’t take that much for us to feel better about who we are. We don’t really need to be perfect to feel good about ourselves. I’ve never been perfect, but I know what feeling good about who I am is like now. It feels like a million bucks! If my word is solid, I’ve got nothing to worry about.

Without changing anything else, if we make a vow to be true to our word, to keep our promises (including the ones we make to ourselves) and kept practicing that, we can start making big strides towards unshakable self-worth. When we trust ourselves, we can trust life, let alone other people.

The Unexpected Gift

I am experiencing an unexpected benefit from practicing my vow. People who have trust issues are able to eventually trust me (in their own time) by witnessing me say what I mean, mean what I say and follow through with my word. It indirectly teaches them what to look for in people – for them to develop trust – instead of just blankly distrusting everyone they encounter. It offers them consistency and predictability. They see that some people can be trusted. It becomes a healing practice and creates orgasmic ripple effects in my psyche.

The one question you can ask yourself to begin trusting your own words is, “In which ways do I compromise the integrity of my word?”

Believe me, I know that it is not an easy one to ask. It may even make you cringe. That’s a good sign, as it means that the awareness of ‘what doesn’t feel authentic’ has arrived, and that there are ripe fruits on that tree of awareness ready to be picked.

Only YOU can pick them. Those fruits may have a somewhat bitter coating but the juicy, sweet, luscious part is worth enduring the initial shudder.

I hope you are ready for some harvesting!

 

Image Source: Huffington Post

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Check out my best selling Amazon book: WHY-DENTITY:17 Practices to Help You Transform Your Mind and Live Your Life’s Purpose – GET IT HERE

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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Being Too Nice Can Contribute to Depression

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Written By Elzbieta Pettingill
From Wake Up World

How Being Too Nice Can Contribute to DepressionThere is such a thing as being too nice, too giving and too caring. To overcome depression you must stop the habit of bending over to gain people’s approval. I know, it’s easier said than done. But no one said it’d be easy.

Those who are affected by depression tend to be people-pleasers. And yet, ironically, quite often their actions are viewed by others as selfish and self-centered. For over three decades I believed in that crap myself. I believed I was selfish and self-involved. I was convinced I had nothing to offer. I also thought that it didn’t matter what I thought. That my opinion was less important than anyone else’s. It seemed as if I was always living someone else’s life.

Finally, after two major brain seizures caused by a suicide attempt, I stopped living someone else’s life and looked deep within…

Someone Else’s Life

I was the child who was “too young to understand things” and therefore to make decisions. My life was run by the grown ups, who weren’t able to see the serious damage caused by the primitive belief such as; “children should be seen but not heard.” Then later, I became an young adult, clinging to any guy who’d find anything whatsoever appealing in me. At that time my looks seemed to have the only value in the eyes of others.

I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t who I am. I was a “slave” to anyone who was willing to have me in their life. The fear of rejection always steered my thoughts into the direction that led others to benefit from it more than I did.

How tiring was that!? How exhausting it is having to constantly put others before your own self! And how little reward you get at the end of it…

All this, so you can can keep deluding yourself that someone cares about you, at least enough to stick around. For a while, at least… ’til they get tired of it.

Then what do you do when the inevitable happens and when they leave? You blame yourself, of course. Consciously, or subconsciously, your already low self-esteem gets reinforced. It spirals downward in a lightening speed and you get even more depressed, thinking that there is no tomorrow for you…

Well, there is. And it’s a bright one, too!

You’ve heard the phrase: “You teach people how to treat you” but you’ve ignored it so far. Maybe because when you did try to stand up for yourself it always seemed to have back fired. You might even had finally snapped and told others to fuck off, which they deserved to hear, only to find yourself being labeled as too aggressive and not “lady-like.”

Well dear, who the f**k gives a damn? Who cares what others think and, or say? Let me just remind you – it shouldn’t be you. There is only one person in this entire world whose opinion should matter to you, and that is YOU and you ONLY.

There is only one person in this entire Universe that needs your pleasing, and that person is you.

There is only one person who needs your caring the most, and yes, you’ve guessed it –  it’s you again.

Being Too Nice Can Contribute to Depression - Alexander Pope quote (Difference Vice Virtue)

Just remember this: if you care too much – others will care too little… If you remain too available – others will always remain too busy for you. Without even being apologetic about it, people will always make you wait for them, making you feel as if your time is not nearly as valuable as theirs. You get the picture…

You will encounter resistance from those around you when you start making those long-overdue changes, but that’s OK. Have fun with it. See that sense of amusement on their faces and that sense of disbelief… Stare back at them without blinking.

Be prepared to deal with the consequences of having the courage to do what’s right for you. In your mind let go of the fear of not having that job in case your boss decides to fire you. Maybe it means it’s time to do something else for a living.

Be ready to let go of your significant other if s/he continues to refuse to treat you in a new, more loving and respectful way.

Make yourself OK with being alone for now. Make yourself comfortable with being with… YOU. Get to know yourself. Find out exactly what your needs and desires are and then become unstoppable in fulfilling them! Be selfish. You’ve been accused of it so many times before, now it’s time for you to show others (and yourself) how selfish you can really be! Show them that you mean business… :)

Renounce the guilt. Let go of it. Completely. It’s time to release it.

Be your number one. Be bold. Be spontaneous. Learn to be yourself in every situation and around everyone.

This is how you start to love yourself…

 

Image Source: Gordon Chalmers/Flickr

Follow Drew on Instagram!

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Check out my best selling Amazon book: WHY-DENTITY:17 Practices to Help You Transform Your Mind and Live Your Life’s Purpose – GET IT HERE

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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40 Things You Need to Stop Worrying About

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Written By Kelly Fitzpatrick
From Greatist

We’ve all got things that send us on an anxiety tailspin. But freak out no more. While worrying can be beneficial in some instances, certain fears just aren’t worth the headache. We’ve got 40 things to stop worrying about right now, and tips for how to keep them in check.

Money

 

1. Bouncing a Check

We know worrying about finances is the top source of stress for most people, and bouncing a check isn’t exactly the height of fiscal responsibility . But for those who go into a cold sweat every time they bust out a checkbook, keep in mind the penalty for bouncing a check typically isn’t huge—about $30 on average. To prevent a problem, ask the bank about overdraft protection, and consider switching banks if yours doesn’t offer it.

2. Paying Rent Late

Paying bills can be a huge source of anxiety, especially when a late fee is involved. But there’s no need to stress too much about forgetting to drop off the rent check before heading out of town. First, if the due date falls on a weekend or holiday, the check typically isn’t considered late until the next business day. Plus, most landlords include a few day grace period where rent is not considered late (and subject to those pesky fees!). Refer to your lease to determine your landlord’s specific policy on a grace period and late fees.

3. The Cash-Only Restaurant

Most of us have been there: The check arrives and that formerly adorable little café turns into a nightmare — cash only?! First, understand the waiter or cashier probably sees this all the time, so there’s no need to panic. Ask to borrow the cash from a pal or date and then immediately go together to an ATM to pay them back. If alone, ask the waiter for the nearest ATM and head there; plastic-free places are typically pretty trusting. In the future, scan the menu for a cash-only warning before ordering, or check review sites, such as Yelp and Foursquare, which usually list whether cards are accepted.

4. Paying at the End of the Meal

The arrival of the check after a meal can miraculously halt all conversation and merriment. If the meals cost about the same, offer to split things evenly. If others want to split things evenly but there’s a big discrepancy in price, feel free to say so—being calm and assertive (not to be confused with aggressive) will get the message across without making you seem cheap. Next time, ask for separate checks before ordering. It’ll send other diners the message that everyone is paying their own way.

Social Life

 

5. Your Pal Has a Booger Hanging Out

Those of us who are easily embarrassed are less likely to tell others they have a tag showing, food in their teeth, or even, yes, a booger hanging out of their nose. But chances are most people will be relieved— temporarily embarrassed too, but mostly relieved—to be informed. And next time we can count on that pal to be on booger patrol for us.

6. Inviting Overnight Guests

Afraid the lumpy pull-out sofa isn’t up to snuff or the dog will keep guests up all night? If the concern is impeding quality time with good pals, address it—that time with friends is essential to our physical and emotional health. Try, “I’d love for you to stay with me, but all we have is an air mattress.” If your pals aren’t down for snuggling next to Fido, trust that they’ll get a hotel. If they say it’s fine, though, take them at their word and get on with the fun stuff.

7. Wearing the Wrong Outfit

The pile of rejected outfits is growing, but still nothing seems to fit the bill. Rest assured, clothing is actually not the first thing most women notice about each other—it’s their waist size. And studies suggest men remember even less about others’ appearance than women do . And who wants to impress people that prioritize clothing (or waist size!) so highly anyway?

8. Last Night’s Drunk Texts

Throwing back a few too many last night probably means your phone is filled with regrettable texts. Handle the clean-up calmly—if the messages are simply embarrassing but otherwise inoffensive, send something along the lines of: “Sry abt those texts, had a bit too much to drink!” If the texts were potentially upsetting, though, pick up the phone. Calmly apologize (yep, there’s a right way to apologize) and try to make it up to them—getting to see you miserably hungover at brunch should do the trick.

9. Forgetting to Call a Friend

Whether it was a true slipup or an “accident,” there’s no need to feel like a jerk. Wait until there’s actually time to chat (not in between errands, while watching TV, or any other time you can only devote partial attention) and then call back. Quickly apologize for the mistake and move on to more important matters, like what’s going on in their life—after all, meaningful talks are important for both parties.

10. Telling a White Lie

The best rule we could find for white lies is this: They’re okay when protecting others, but plain dishonest when they protect the liar. (“Oh no! The dog must have knocked over that vase” won’t fly.) The goal in telling a fib should be showing compassion, but many of us can still feel frantic when grasping at something positive to say about an ugly baby or a less than delicious dinner. Instead of all-out lying, mention one thing you like. (“Wow, your son’s eyes are such a great color!”) Awkwardness averted.

11. Making a Freudian Slip

We really did mean to tell that busty woman her idea was “the best,” it just came out wrong—and studies show subconscious factors can cause a verbal slipup . At this point, dwelling on it only makes things weirder for everyone involved. If it can be glossed over, do so. If not, go with: “Geez, sorry about that. I haven’t had enough coffee today, so I’m half asleep.”

12. A Bad Haircut

This fear can drive us to spend hundreds on haircuts, but there’s no need. The worst-case scenario is a less-than-great haircut for a few weeks (seriously, even the beauty-obsessed will recover), but chances are it’s an opportunity for new hair accessories. Most important, stay confident about whatever ’do you end up with: One study found subjects’ self-confidence about teeth—not necessarily the appearance of their pearly whites—was a better predictor of their well-being .

Working and Networking

 

13. Being Late For an Interview

Whenever possible, alert the interviewer as soon as you realize you’ll be late. Once the interview’s begun, apologize and offer a brief explanation. (Just don’t blame it on someone else, since most employers won’t want to hire someone who likes to shift blame.) Then move on. Dwelling on it (whether its out loud or in our heads) will only worsen the rest of the meeting.

14. Forgetting Someone’s Name

When bumping into a semi-stranger out and about, take the opportunity to introduce whoever’s in tow (like a child or significant other). Hopefully the other person will say his/her own name. In a professional situation? Politely confess the name is escaping you and ask again. To avoid that sticky situation in the first place, try to commit names to memory by repeating and visualizing the name .

15. Not Responding to an Email

Ugh, an email has been sitting in your inbox for two weeks, and now you don’t even know whether to respond at all. Do it! Write that it slipped through the cracks and then address the issue at hand. In the future, try to respond to every email within 24 hours if only to say, “I’ll be able to get to this on ____ date.” And remember, almost all of us have done this.

16. Taking a Day Off

Some of us panic whenever we think about taking a day off, but personal time away from the office is essential. Banish worries by first being honest: Rather than playing sick, schedule a day off here and there whenever it might be needed (i.e. right after a huge presentation)—that eliminates all the Ferris Bueller-style panic. Then completely unplug. Set up an out-of-office message on email and turn off your phone.

17. A Tough Meeting With Your Boss

That request for a raise is coming out a lot more like stutters and suddenly we notice we’re wearing footie pajamas. (Phew, that was just a nightmare.) Prep for a big meeting by actually writing down what needs to be said. Don’t read it like a script, but skim it beforehand until the main points stick. Then remember, what’s the worst that could happen? The boss will say no to that raise, but probably stop short of giving us the boot.

18. Being Late for Fido’s Evening Stroll

If an extra 30 minutes at work causes an anxiety attack about the pooch, chances are that 30 minutes won’t be put to good use. While it’s great for dog owners to be concerned about getting the pup plenty of exercise, it’ll usually be pretty obvious if the dog’s not getting enough outdoor time. Look for weight gain or hyperactivity—if there are no negative signals, don’t fret too much about being late for this appointment.

Romantic Relationships

 

19. The Possibility of Cheating on Your Significant Other

No need to let a little harmless flirting (keyword: harmless) leave us rife with guilt. People wary of getting too attached to another person are most likely to stray—but remember, we do actually choose whether or not we cheat . So calmly remind yourself of the importance of the relationship and remember you’re in control. It should help put things in perspective.

20. The Possibility of Being Cheated On

Chances are being suspicious and worried about cheating will not reduce the chances of it happening. Being trusting and open to the possibility (that’s possibility, not probability) of being hurt is essential in a lasting relationship . Plus, anyone who’d cheat isn’t worth worrying about.

21. Not Getting Along With the In-Laws

About 60 percent of women and 15 percent of men say they have a tough relationship with in-laws, so don’t worry about being the only one. But to avoid the strain, change the expectations—many women expect to be unconditionally loved and embraced like a daughter while her mother-in-law plans to be treated as the authority when it comes to her kid. Just accept that marriage won’t make everyone get along.

22. A Bad First Date

First dates go badly. There, we said it. But no need to worry, seeing as that will only contribute sweaty pits and a trembling voice to the mix. Instead try to focus on what the other person has to say and engage with them to forget about your own nerves. In fact, just knowing the other person is equally nervous can make us feel better—and make the date go more smoothly !

23. Being Bad in Bed

Men say the only way to be bad in bed is to not be into it—which is a lot more likely when worrying about being bad in bed. No matter your partner’s gender, the best way to ensure good sex is to constantly look and ask for feedback. But remember, a lot goes into “good sex” for women, like their mindset and feelings about the relationship, so out-of-the-bedroom changes could make a difference too .

24. Being Rejected

Just go ask them! Studies have found some people are more sensitive to rejection and those people tend to sit and think about the potential rejection more than others . Sound familiar? Stop thinking and start doing!

Health

 

25. Getting Sick

Whether there’s a big event coming up or flu season is on its way, we almost all occasionally worry about getting sick. Instead, focus on positive changes, like eating well and staying active. Annual check-ups should help quell nerves, but otherwise, worrying about it isn’t much help. In fact, stress could increase risk of illness.

26. Chronic Headaches

There’s no need to assume frequent headaches are a symptom of a brain tumor. They could also be the result of that daily cup of Joe, rebounding from pain medication, or even a heavy bag. Sure, ask a doc if the pain persists, but don’t jump to any conclusions.

27. Shedding Hair

It’s completely normal to shed a lot—up to 100 hairs per day. Losing more than 125 hairs per day is considered excessive, but still reversible. For example, stress or poor diet could be to blame .

28. Forgetting to Wash Your Face Before Bed

Don’t worry, it’s not a recipe for insta-breakout. Actually, poor hygiene isn’t a cause of acne — oil production and dead skin cells are. Don’t make it a habit, but don’t freak out if you hit the sheets before scrubbing up.

29. Sharing Toiletries and Cosmetics With Pals

Stop the presses! This just in: Sharing earrings or even a toothbrush with a friend is probably safe. We were shocked, too. While lipstick could spread herpes, that toothbrush is A-okay (well, still weird, but y’know). And as long as piercings are healed (that’s typically six weeks after getting pierced), they won’t be infected by someone else’s earrings.

30. Being Scatterbrained

Your house keys are at the office, your cell phone’s in a cab, and your cat’s birthday went uncelebrated. These mishaps probably aren’t signs of Alzheimer’s disease—it’s more likely you’re just stressed, anxious, or plain getting older. (Age-related memory loss might start by age 45 .) Try doing just one task at a time (first send an email, then walk out the door) to fight forgetfulness .

Cooking and Eating

 

31. That Milk Expired Yesterday

Expiration dates aren’t always the last word on food freshness, and terms like sell-by and use-by can get confusing. Some foods last longer, and some (like meat) actually may not survive at home until the store’s sell-by date. Appearance, smell, and taste are usually good guidelines though.

32. Swallowing Gum

Time to put this myth to bed. Gum will not stay in your stomach for years on end. For kiddos it could cause an intestinal blockage, but it’d take significantly more than one piece.

33. Not Getting Enough Protein

Sure, protein’s definitely important. But most people don’t need to worry about not eating enough. It’s easy to reach the recommended daily allowance (around 50 grams for adults) with just a few servings of legumes, dairy, and/or meat.

34. Eating an Indulgent Dessert

That cupcake was freakin’ delicious. No need to beat ourselves up about it. Dwelling on eating a “bad” food makes eating healthy in the future harder, not easier.

Accidents and Disasters

 

35. Bed Bugs

Getting a bed bug infestation would really, really suck. The good news: Scientists have not found bed bugs transmit any diseases to humans. Avoid an infestation with precautionary measures, but there’s no need to burn down the house if bed bugs turn up. Instead, call a pro to assess the situation and offer next steps.

36. Dropping Your Phone in the Toilet

There’s no such thing as true prevention here, so focus on preparation. Immediately yank it back out of the toilet. If possible, immediately remove the battery without stopping to shut down (if not, just immediately power off). If there was anything but water involved, rinse the phone with fresh water. Take the phone apart as much as possible before putting it somewhere to dry for three days, and covering it in rice might help wick away moisture—yeah, seriously. Of course, there are always waterproof cases to prevent this catastrophe in the first place.

37. Losing a Wallet

While it’s inconvenient, losing a wallet is not the end of the world. These days almost everything in a wallet is replaceable (if not, take it out of that wallet now—including a social security card). When in public, allow 15 minutes to calmly retrace steps and search for the wallet (at home, allow an hour). Then start canceling credit cards. Make a list of account numbers and associated phone numbers to keep safely at home, along with contact info for the DMV.

Transportation

 

38. Missing an Oil Change

Modern engine oil typically doesn’t need to be changed every 3,000 miles or three months as we’ve always been told. First, check the car’s manual, which may actually recommend less frequent changes. Then, if the car has an oil monitoring system, we can safely rely on that to tell us when an oil change is actually necessary. Of course, there’s the old-fashioned method, too: just check the oil.

39. The Possibility of Falling on Train Tracks

One study found that over 13 years, there was an average of 25 homicidal or accidental subway deaths per year in NYC. That’s out of about 1.5 billion trips (on NYC’s MTA alone) per year. Sure, stand away from the tracks, but no need to fear for your life.

40. Using Electronics During Takeoff and Landing

Yeah, it could get us kicked off the plane or—more likely—dressed down by the flight attendant, but chances are forgetting to turn off our Kindles did not just send the plane off in the wrong direction. The FAA doesn’t actually have proof electronics can mess with the plane’s navigation, but it’s still a regulation. The takeaway: Power down when told to, but if something accidentally stays on, there’s no need to panic.

 

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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7 Things You Should Stop Expecting from Others

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7 Things You Should Stop Expecting from Others

 

Written By Marc Chernoff
From Marc & Angel Hack Life

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations
and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”
―Bruce Lee

The biggest disappointments in our lives are often the result of misplaced expectations.  This is especially true when it comes to our relationships and interactions with others.

Tempering your expectations of other people will greatly reduce unnecessary frustration and suffering, in both your life and theirs, and help you refocus on the things that truly matter.

Which means it’s time to…

1.  Stop expecting them to agree with you.

You deserve to be happy.  You deserve to live a life you are excited about.  Don’t let the opinions of others make you forget that.  You are not in this world to live up to the expectations of others, nor should you feel that others are here to live up to yours.  In fact, the more you approve of your own decisions in life, the less approval you need from everyone else.

You have to dare to be yourself, and follow you own intuition, however frightening or strange that may feel or prove to be.  Don’t compare yourself to others.  Don’t get discouraged by their progress or success.  Follow your own path and stay true to your own purpose.  Success is ultimately about spending your life happily in your own way.

2.  Stop expecting them to respect you more than you respect yourself.

True strength is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles.  It’s about having faith and trust in who you are, and a willingness to act upon it.  Decide this minute to never again beg anyone for the love, respect, and attention that you should be showing yourself.

Today, look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I love you, and from now on I’m going to act like it.”  It’s important to be nice to others, but it’s even more important to be nice to yourself.  When you practice self-love and self-respect, you give yourself the opportunity to be happy.  When you are happy, you become a better friend, a better family member, and a better YOU.  (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

3.  Stop expecting (and needing) them to like you.

You might feel unwanted and unworthy to one person, but you are priceless to another.  Don’t ever forget your worth.  Spend time with those who value you.  No matter how good you are to people, there will always be one negative person who criticizes you.  Smile, ignore them, and carry on.

In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, the toughest battle you’ll ever have to fight is the battle to be yourself.  And as you’re fighting back, not everyone will like you.  Sometimes people will call you names because you’re “different.”  But that’s perfectly OK.  The things that make you different are the things that make YOU, and the right people will love you for it.

4.  Stop expecting them to fit your idea of who they are.

Loving and respecting others means allowing them to be themselves.  When you stop expecting people to be a certain way, you can begin to appreciate THEM.

Pay close attention, and respect people for who they are and not for who you want them to be.  We don’t know most people half as well as we believe we do; and truly knowing someone is a big part of what makes them wonderful.  Every human being is remarkable and beautiful; it just takes a patient set of eyes to see it.  The more you get to know someone, the more you will be able to look beyond their appearance and see the beauty of who they truly are.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)

5.  Stop expecting them to know what you’re thinking.

People can’t read minds.  They will never know how you feel unless you tell them.  Your boss?  Yeah, he doesn’t know you’re hoping for a promotion because you haven’t told him yet.  That cute guy you haven’t talked to because you’re too shy?  Yeah, you guessed it, he hasn’t given you the time of day simply because you haven’t given him the time of day either.

In life, you have to communicate with others regularly and effectively.  And often, you have to open your vocal cords and speak the first words.  You have to tell people what you’re thinking.  It’s as simple as that.

6.  Stop expecting them to suddenly change.

If there’s a specific behavior someone you care about has that you’re hoping disappears over time, it probably won’t.  If you really need them to change something, be honest and put all the cards on the table so this person knows how you feel and what you need them to do.

For the most part though, you can’t change people and you shouldn’t try.  Either you accept who they are or you choose to live without them.  It’s might sound harsh, but it’s not.  When you try to change people, they often remain the same, but when you don’t try to change them – when you support them and allow them the freedom to be as they are – they gradually change in the most beautiful way.  Because what really changes is the way you see them.  (Read A New Earth.)

7.  Stop expecting them to be “OK.”

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle, just like you.  Every smile or sign of strength hides an inner struggle every bit as complex and extraordinary as your own.

Remember that embracing your light doesn’t mean ignoring your dark.  We are measured by our ability to overcome adversities and insecurities, not avoid them.  Supporting, sharing and making contributions to other people is one of life’s greatest rewards.  This happens naturally if we allow it, because we all share very similar dreams, needs and struggles.  Once we accept this, the world then is a place where we can look someone else in the eye and say, “I’m lost and struggling at the moment,” and they can nod and say, “Me too,” and that’s OK.  Because not being “OK” all the time, is perfectly OK.

Afterthoughts

People rarely behave exactly the way you want them to.  Hope for the best, but expect less.  And remember, the magnitude of your happiness will be directly proportional to your thoughts and how you choose to think about things.  Even if a situation or relationship doesn’t work out at all, it’s still worth it if it made you feel something new, and if it taught you something new.

Your turn…

What would you add to this post?  What do you need to stop expecting from others?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with the community.

 

Image Source: Power of Positivity, Alex Berlin

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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Why This Generation Is So Overly Obsessed With Falling In Love

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Written By Tiana Pluck
From Elite Daily

There’s a feeling we all get when a gorgeous stranger passes by or pops up on the Instagram “popular page.”

Friends say it’s a coincidence, but you swear it’s fate. It’s as if, in that instant, the heavens have opened up, shone down a light and whispered to you, “That’s the one.”

We’ve all seen the story play out countless times on the big screen.

Any rom-com enthusiast knows there is a point in the movie when the protagonist finds the one character he or she will spend the next 90 minutes pursuing.

And we all know these two will definitely end up together because, if not, it would be rated as the worst love story ever, right?

Well, let me make something clear: 90 percent of the real world is built upon nothing but sucky love stories.

Everyone experiences these same movie moments, but the sheer difference is that not all of them end in an elaborate chase to someone’s heart.

Realistically, these scenarios end in dry conversations, useless attempts to obtain a phone number, drunken mistakes and/or true heartbreak.

And, isn’t it insane that all of this pain can stem from a relationship that is so brief and surface-level? I mean, after all, we’re pining after someone who we’ve never even properly met or gotten to know most of the time.

So, is it really possible to get so attached so fast?

I’m no expert, and you can call it “being psycho” if you’d like, but I believe you can. Everyone, at some point, has caught feelings for some ambiguous figure before.

Whether it’s a celebrity crush, a person’s social media profile or a person who’s only been described to you by a mutual friend, if the person seems to match what you’re looking for in a significant other, you’re all in.

We have this scary ability to instantly become emotionally, and sometimes mentally, fixated on people we virtually have no clue about. Personally, I believe this to be a sickness all its own.

So, break it down:

What happens?

Symptoms of this sickness: desperation and unrealistic expectations.

We get this mindset that “life as we know it will cease to function if we do not successfully engage this person in conversation.”

We make pathetic (and sometimes half-assed) attempts at talking to the person, and we often do not take the time to plan out what we say.

You’ll dream up scenarios of the two of you making out, cuddling in bed, relaxing on vacation at a secluded beach house, visiting each other’s parents for the holidays, buying your first pet together, having your first fight, making up after your first fight and so on.

You essentially “fall in love” with someone you’ve never really spoken to because, in your head, this person is already the perfect mate.

But, don’t worry if you’re guilty of this condition. You’re among friends, and we’ll get you through this.


Why do we do this to ourselves?

Speaking as a 20-something young adult, the aforementioned “symptoms” of this condition are further magnified by society.

We, as young people, are constantly receiving messages that tell us we should aspire for love, that we’re “missing out on” if we’re single or that everyone else around us has somehow caught on to these ideas more quickly than we have.

In this digital age, we’re constantly plugged in to every little thing that happens around us, and these messages are messing with our sense of timing and good judgment.

You may think you’re resilient to these worldly pressures, but are you seriously telling me you weren’t a little bit ticked off at your friend’s recent engagement announcement on Facebook (especially when you’re still getting over your last breakup)?

Or what about the 200 plus Instagram likes your best friend got on that photo with her boyfriend? (It sort of makes that “artsy” photo of your frozen yogurt cup seem a bit meaningless, huh?)

We’re all affected. There’s no denying it.

As young people of this generation, we internalize the stranger who passes us by as the one we could call ours because we see it happen for so many other people.

There’s a part of us that hopes and prays if we could just figure out how to be nice enough, cute enough, bubbly enough, sexy enough or simply just “enough,” the person would want us back, too.

Inside all of us lies a basic desire to be wanted, plain and simple. That’s why it’s not so crazy when the stranger on the subway is the only think we can think about.

We want love, and when we catch a rare glimpse of what could be just that, we attack like the poor, clueless love predators we are.


What’s the prognosis?

You’ll be okay, but hear me now, 20-somethings: You have time. You aren’t missing out if you aren’t tied down by age 24.

Be strong enough to enjoy this time, and work on yourself in the process.

I’m not saying it’s easy because it does get lonely, and there are times when you’ll want to unfollow or unfriend everyone else who is in a relationship.

You won’t always be happy for your friend who just celebrated her anniversary.

You won’t always get a reply from the guy you met online. You won’t always have a happy ending.

But, it takes some bad love stories to get to the one that’s truly worth retelling.

 

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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Why It’s Absolutely Disrespectful To Break Up With Someone In A Text

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Written By Dan Scotti
From Elite Daily

I’m not really sure there’s a “pleasant” way to break someone’s heart – but there is certainly a right way to go about it.

Nobody likes rejection, and when it comes from the mouth of a lover, or former lover, it surely doesn’t become any easier of a pill to swallow.

Part of what makes rejection so difficult is that there isn’t usually much you can say, or do, in response to it. Sometimes you just have to accept it.

I mean, if your girlfriend truly believes she’d be better off without you, it would almost be unfair to force her to stick around and try to convince her otherwise.

And while you should always fight for the people whom you love – part of loving is letting go, and sometimes accepting rejection is simply the right thing to do, as a mature person.

But rejection is almost always a two-way street. There are proper, mature, ways of going about being rejected – and, at the same time – there are right and wrong ways of delivering it, as well. And this concept applies especially in regard to relationships, and the people involved in them.

When breaking up with someone, you need to be mindful of the consequences of your own actions.

Remember, with matters of love, you’re almost always playing with a person’s most intense emotions. And while you might think that a breakup is in both of your best interests, you can never be too sure your significant other will agree.

For this reason, it’s only fair to go the extra mile, yourself, to make sure he or she is comfortable with how things are playing out – or, at the very least, understand where you’re coming from.

True closure requires two people seeing eye to eye with each other, without any questions left unanswered.

Don’t half-ass a breakup. If you want to cut ties with someone, do your due diligence, and handle your business the right way. There’s nothing admirable about getting the f*ck out of Dodge, once you find yourself unsatisfied in a romantic situation.

And nothing screams “getting out of Dodge,” like breaking up with someone you once loved over text.

Personally, I don’t think I could ever break up with someone over text – and this is coming from the kid who will likely bring an iPhone charger to your dinner party.

While, at times, my phone may seem like an extension of my hand –  I would never make the mistake of blurring the line between romantic affairs and ones that can be handled over the phone.

Think about it. Phones are designed to make matters more convenient. Sure, I might forgo picking up food myself, on behalf of Seamless.

I may bypass hailing a cab in the winter, with the help of Uber. But I make use of all of these services solely because they’re more convenient from the screen of my phone.

And breaking up with someone over text is no different. It might be more convenient, but it also demonstrates a blatant lack of empathy toward the person you’re breaking up with.

While invested in a relationship, it should be one of the most important aspects of your life.

If you’re able to just remove that part of your life, with the tap of an iPhone screen, then it only becomes evident how little the relationship honestly meant to you.

Relationships should be predicated on the notion of genuineness, of authenticity.

How you choose to handle the matters of your relationship, while you’re in them, should mirror how you choose to go about your relationship when it ends.

There shouldn’t be a drop off in your sincerity once things go sour; that’s just selfish.

According to Anna Miller for the American Psychological Association, “When someone chooses to text break up, they are also choosing not to write a letter, call or email,” she writes in her book. In other words, the method is a part of the message itself.”

In other words, when you decide to break up with someone over text – you’re inadvertently telling that person that you want to take the easy way out.

Ilana Gershon, PhD, anthropologist and associate professor at Indiana University, decided to take a deeper look into the psychology behind present day breakups – and the repercussions of text breakups.

Gershon’s research, which polled 72 subjects – most of whom were undergraduates – expressed the importance of media ideologies, or the “views about how and when various modes of communication should be used,” as explained by Miller.

Part of why text breakups are so discourteous, is because of mismatches in the media ideologies between lovers.

While one person might invest a great deal of weight into matters of text, others might not. It’s not to say that one person is necessarily right and the other isn’t, it’s just selfish to assume that your significant other will view text messages in the same light as you.

And this focus on a message’s unique medium, Gershon explains, is something that’s specific to American culture. However, while we might care the most about message medium – we don’t seem to be doing much about it.

According to one survey administered by WhatsYourPrice.com, a dating site, statistics showed that 88 percent of males reported breaking up with someone over text – and 18 percent of women have too. Clearly, these numbers aren’t very reassuring.

Almost nine out of every 10 men included in that survey probably went about their breakups incorrectly.

If you want to close the book on a certain relationship, always make sure you’re doing so in a classy matter – and not one that you, or your significant other, will regret in the coming years.

With anything in life, it’s always best to finish strong. Whether it’s at a job you may not like – or in a relationship with someone whom you might have once loved – how you choose to finish something will likely serve as someone’s lasting impression of you.

Have the respect for your significant other – and yourself – and break up in person. It’s just the right thing to do.

 

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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5 Childhood Beliefs Women Shouldn’t Bring Into Adult Relationships

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Tierney Gearon

 

Written By Maheen Khan
From Elite Daily

Women are a rare breed.

We can be go-getters, achievers, run both a business and a household, divas, fashionistas, super moms, you name it.

We have incredible strength, and even in your darkest times, when you didn’t know how you would make it, you did.

At the same time, we have complex feelings and emotions. We crave love, perfect dates, a family and so many more things. Each of us is on the lookout for “the one.”

As little girls, we grew up believing certain things that make relationships harder when we grow up. Here are few of those things:

1. Prince charming will come.

Each of us who read “Cinderella,” “Beauty and the Beast” or any other fairytale, always believed Prince Charming would come on his white horse and sweep us off our feet.

We all imagined our happy endings, but as you grow up, you realize this isn’t always true.

You will meet many guys. Sometimes, the right ones but more often than not, the wrong ones.

Wrong doesn’t necessarily mean he isn’t a nice guy, though. Maybe you two just aren’t compatible or you want very different things from life. He might be someone else’s prince charming, but he’s definitely not yours.

Because of our clouded judgment, we mistake him to be “the one.” It is then you realize you might have to encounter a few mistakes to land perfection.


2. You will never get hurt.

Relationships are hard and not everybody has them figured out. You grow up believing the world is a beautiful place and nobody gets hurt.

When you go through your first tough breakup, you find out how untrue it is.

A broken heart is never easy to mend. Finding the courage to love again after having your heart broken is even more difficult.

You might get hurt more than once, but in the process, you also discover this newfound courage to get back up each time you fall.


3. You will never be played.

Guys come in all shapes and sizes, and they might not always have the right intentions for you. You might encounter a guy like this at some point.

As fate will have it, you might fall hopelessly in love with him. You are vulnerable, he’s done and said all the right things and he becomes the center of your universe.

But, what happens when you aren’t the center of his universe?

He starts to flake, cancels plans, gives you mixed signals and plays the “one foot in and one foot out” game.

You both know where this is going and you hope against all hopes it’s not going south. He was supposed to be different.

This is extremely hard, especially when you never believed it would happen to you.


4. You will always be treated like Daddy’s little girl.

Remember when you were a kid and your dad always called you his princess? Well, relationships do not always work that way.

This sets a lot of high expectations, but a relationship is a two-way street. You get what you give.

You will have to make a few sacrifices and give up on things important to you for the other person. But, when you are in love, it’s no big deal.

The other person’s happiness makes you happy, just like how your dad found happiness in your smile.


5. It’s going to be easy.

Just like everything else in life, nothing worth having comes easy. Love and relationships are a part of that.

Sometimes love alone isn’t enough; there are greater things that control our lives.

We always imagined a happy ending, but when you grow up, you find out the story really begins after that happy ending.

What happens five years after the happy ending? The two people look at each other with the same love in their eyes, but probably not with the same excitement and fluttering heartbeats.

If you look closely, you might also find a little less happiness in those eyes. It is then that you realize a relationship requires a lot of work to stay afloat, and love isn’t always enough.


So, why is it that as we grow up, the little girl who believed all these things gets lost somewhere?

After a few scars on our hearts, we don’t really look at love the same way again. That little girl gets lost because she is terrified of the pain after a heartbreak.

She learns to build walls around her heart and protect it like a soldier. The guard goes up after you realize you can also be played.

That little girl is now a woman who also knows how to play the game.

Why aren’t all the things that we believed as little girls true? Because we are just beautiful souls brought up listening to fairy tales in a cruel world.

Your strength isn’t lost, and you will find it once the rose-tinted glasses come off.

You’ll find it when you realize your vulnerability, your naked body, your bare heart and all those flaws and perfections are perfect. Because they make up who you are.

Anyone who can’t respect that isn’t worth it, and someday, your fairytale will come true.

 

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Check out my best selling Amazon book: WHY-DENTITY:17 Practices to Help You Transform Your Mind and Live Your Life’s Purpose – GET IT HERE

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

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3 Really Important Things I’ve Learned From Being Criticized

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Written By Vironika Tugaleva
From HighExistence

In my daydreams of bringing my story to the world and helping people, I’d imagine changing lives, I’d imagine receiving grateful letters, I’d imagine those sparkly eyes that mean you’ve really inspired someone. What I did not imagine was any person grimacing in the glow of their computer screen, deciding on the best way to communicate their distaste for me in a midnight email. And yet, here I am.

I heard somewhere if you’re being criticized that means you’re authentic. That’s been an incredibly hard lesson for me to learn. When I started doing this work, I was convinced that, because my intentions were pure, and my heart was in the right place, every one I tried to help would appreciate it, everyone who heard my message would believe it, and everybody who met me would like me. I thought I was immune from being criticized.

I thought I was immune from being criticized.

Needless to say, this is just not the way things are.

I learned, mostly, from pain. Each time someone would unsubscribe from my email list, it would hurt me. Each time someone criticized my message or my work, it would hurt me. Each time someone would give me that look that said, “This is so not backed up by data,” it would hurt me.

Each time I got hurt, I was split open, more vulnerable than ever. Each time I got hurt, I had the opportunity to look even deeper within me; to discover the true cause of my pain.

With enough criticism followed by introspection, something clicked.

A few days ago, I received a rude email but there was no pain – just awareness about why this person acted this way. It wasn’t the most pleasurable experience, but it was peaceful. I am overwhelmed with self-gratitude for taking the time to do inner work when I was criticized, so that I could come to peace with it.

This post is a celebration of how far we can all come if we take those precious moments of pain after someone’s words sting us and find out more about ourselves.

Read: The Complete Guide to Not Giving a F*ck!

So, as a former approval-seeker addict, I bring to you this list of things I’ve learned from looking deep within each time I reacted to criticism. I hope that this will encourage and empower you to take other people’s opinions with a grain of self-awareness.

Lesson #1: Everybody who does anything gets criticized

The day this lesson finally became internalized, my partner and I were visiting his family. The sun had long gone down, and we decided to take a walk and enjoy the still, warm air. I still remember saying to him:

I know this isn’t healthy, but the people I look to for advice on how to act in many situations are people like Jesus, Ghandi, Mother Teresa. And I just feel like, if I was actually doing a good job like they did, people wouldn’t criticize me because people didn’t criticize them.

Jamie actually laughed out loud at me after I said this.

“You don’t think people criticized Jesus?”

“Oh.”

I saw what was so funny, but the feeling persisted.

“What about Mother Teresa? What about Gandhi?”

We went back to the house and did some searching on the internet for people who hate my idols. Turns out, lots of people hate Gandhi, and lots of people hate Mother Teresa. In fact, some journalist even wrote an entire book about how Mother Teresa is a cheat and a fraud! And don’t even get me started on what people think of Tony Robbins.

gandhi quote

Something burst within me that night. Of course, everyone gets criticized. I know that now. I also know that how you feel about the leaders you admire is how you will feel about yourself as a leader. If you assume they don’t receive criticism, you will be shocked when it happens to you.

If you’ve got this belief system, as I did, take a moment right now and do a Google search. Just type in “I Hate + (name of the person you think is too awesome to be hated)”. It might just be the most liberating thing you ever do.

Lesson #2: People criticize you for that which they do not accept in themselves

I don’t think a day goes by where I don’t reexperience this insight. The lesson is simple:

People’s experiences and emotions reflect their mindsets, and those mindsets do not necessarily reflect reality.

First, I learned this about my appearance, realizing that my loathing from my thoughts, not from my appearance. I didn’t need to fix my face. I needed to check my thoughts about myself.

Then, I learned it about my relationships with men, realizing that the advice other women gave me came from their experiences, not from the truth. I didn’t need to learn to be withholding or play hard to get. I needed to check my beliefs about men.

Now, I’ve learned it about my work, realizing that the criticism and the praise that people give me come directly from their beliefs, not from my work’s inherent value. I don’t need to please everyone. I need to do my best and check my beliefs about helping people.

This lesson has been especially obvious when I’ve received mid-way through reading a nasty email a gratitude-laden, loving email that said the exact opposite. How can both of these people be right? How can I be simultaneously insincere and the most sincere person someone’s ever met at the same time?!

I’ve learned that believing praise is as dangerous as believing criticism because it accepts another’s opinion as truth instead of as an interpretation.

In the end, a person’s compliments can only show me what they hope they are or what they are afraid to let themselves be. If the compliment feels good to me, then it shows me what I’d like to be or what I think I am. The compliment, for both parties, reveals only our mindsets, not the truth.

A person’s criticisms can only show me what they will not accept in themselves. If the criticism hurts me, then it shows me what I subconsciously think I am. The insult, for both parties, reveals only our mindsets, not the truth.

From this, I’ve realized that I always have a choice. I have a choice in taking any compliment as much as I have a choice in soaking up any criticism. I hope you realize your power to take that choice as well.

Everyone from your parents to your boss is constantly projecting themselves onto you. The only people who aren’t are ones that practice mindfulness – and even they get lost sometimes.

Before you accept anyone’s words as truth, ask yourself:

How is this person’s reaction a reflection of their mindset about themselves? About who they are? About what they deserve? About what this event means in the grand scheme of things?

You might just find that they’re reacting to their own limitations, and you’ve only triggered them.

Read: How to Deal With People Judging You and Your Work

You might also find that their words are great feedback! You never know what you’ll find by asking these questions. Don’t assume it’s all projection – that, too, would be blindness. Stay open and receive whatever comes your way.

Lesson #3: If you’re hurt by someone’s insult, it’s because you already believe it

When someone criticizes you, it’s like they’re hitting a dusty mattress in your mind. The comment brings dust into your awareness and clouds your vision, but that dust was already there in the first place. Even though this person’s actions have triggered your response, you’re the one with the trigger.

If someone came up to me and said, “You’re too tall,” there’s no way I would be offended. There are many insults like that for you too. There are things someone could tell you that would make you laugh, while they might make someone else cry.

Just like other people’s criticisms originate in their mindsets, your reactions originate in yours. If someone’s words hurt you, it’s because you subconsciously believe them.

This is how criticism becomes an amazing self-awareness tool. You can actually experience gratitude towards the person who is triggering feelings of rejection and hurt within you. You can say, “Thank you for showing me the toxic thoughts that still reside within my mind.”


If you need a way to snap out of feeling rejected or lonely after someone has criticized you, you can try this “mind game” that I like to do in those times.

Imagine that you have some insecurity that you don’t really have.

After I got that critical email a few days ago, I imagined that I had anxiety about whether or not my partner was interested in me. This one is pretty easy for me because, at one point, I did have this insecurity. I can imagine all the triggers perfectly.

So, I put myself in the mindset of my past self – worried about him thinking I was stupid or ugly or boring. What happened next was so perfect. I asked him a question. He didn’t reply. I could see that he didn’t hear me, but I sat there thinking, “Wow if I thought he didn’t like me, I would be very, very upset right now!”

And so, looking at the email I received, I can say, “If I were to get upset about this, that would mean I believe what she is saying is true.”


Like this, a single rude email turned into a moment of self-awareness and self-love that was so moving that I wanted to celebrate it. And I suppose I am celebrating by sharing this with you!

I hope that, if you’re struggling with putting other people’s opinions of you on the shelf, you’ll come back to the ideas in this post. Of course, it takes time to cleanse out those toxic thought patterns about ourselves and even longer to realize how those thoughts affect our relationships, but speaking from experience this is time well spent.

Read: 10 Best Books on Positive Psychology You Need to Read for Authentic Change

In the end, after you are criticized (which you absolutely will be), you will use your mind to either prove to yourself why everything the person said is true and reinforce old, toxic patterns of perception or you will use your mind to explore yourself more deeply and come to a better understanding of human nature.

That choice exists for each of us in each painful situation. I hope that you and I can join hands in making the healthy one.

 

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Disclaimer: The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational purposes only.

The author, Drew Canole, and the associated www.fitlife.tv are not rendering medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician.

Drew Canole and Fitlife.tv claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.